Jon Waldman is the Winnipeg-based author of Swimming Aimlessly: One Man’s Journey through Infertility and What We Can All Learn from It.
Infertility is isolating. There’s no simpler way to put it.
When you’re unable to have children by natural means, you feel, in many ways, that you’re not only different than your family and friends, but that your life is going to be in a constant battle to get even close to where your peers are. Being told things such as “you’d better catch up” hurt like hell (and yes, that happened to me).
The reality, of course, is that if you’re suffering from infertility, you’re not alone. One in six Canadian couples struggle with fertility issues, so a person doesn’t need to feel isolated as much as we may believe. A growing number of resources, such as support groups and online discussion forums, are available.
Yet the vast majority of these spaces are populated predominantly by women. Finding men who not only engage in these opportunities but are actively part of conversations is not easy. I’ve sat in support groups where men were physically present but vocally absent.
So why is it that men have trouble talking about infertility? We first have to recognize two things.
First, despite the stereotype, men do talk. However the majority of conversations, particularly with other men, come in the form of basic topics – work, sports, entertainment and the like. Most men just aren’t comfortable getting too personal, meaning subjects such as sex and reproduction are off limits.
Second, while not an absolute rule, men have trouble expressing themselves in multigender environments. This can be a simple discussion with a partner, friends and family, a support group or in an online forum.
“I did join a few standard IVF groups to start, but to be honest, those groups are not a good place for men,” Chris Moorex, a fertility patient living in Australia, told me. “It’s great [that] all the women can support each other, but often, even if not meant, most times there is quite a scathing reaction to guys – men not responding the way their partners think they should behave/think/act.”
Mr. Moorex’s experience is not an exception. I’ve seen and felt it firsthand. Thankfully, a number of resources now focus on men and how we handle infertility – be it our own, our partner’s or a mixture of both. For men such as Mr. Moorex, who sought the sanctuary of closed conversations just for guys, there are a number of private Facebook groups, as well as support groups, either virtual or in person (as pandemic restrictions allow). These avenues weren’t available to me when I was in the deepest moments of despair during my family’s journey.
Still, the old cliché holds true: You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. I’m in a few male fertility support groups, and the largest has a population in the thousands. Don’t get me wrong: That’s an impressive number for a singular group on any social network. But remember that number I quoted earlier: One in six couples in Canada struggle with infertility. In other words, a large percentage of the population is still suffering in silence.
I wish there was a simple answer to how we get men to discuss infertility. At the root of the issue is that men need to feel as if they can talk freely and openly. This can only be accomplished by not just providing the venues for conversation, but by inviting dialogue.
If you know someone who is suffering through infertility, start the conversation with a simple question such as, “How are you really doing?” Then, do the best listening you’ve ever done. Unsolicited advice won’t help; it may even do more harm. Pick up on non-verbal queues and be ready – because once they start talking, men have a lot to say about infertility. I just wish more of them felt comfortable doing so.
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