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I’ve been taking my dog’s joint medicine to ward off COVID-19, and guess what – so far, so good.

My enemies on the left and in the media don’t want you to know about this. They’re just hoping this pandemic goes on indefinitely to destroy the economy and hurt me personally. This is a very nasty thing to do.

So let me tell you: I have been taking my dog’s medicine for about a week and a half now, and I’m still virus-free. In fact, I know many fellows – who, by the way, are very smart, very highly trained – who have been taking the drug as a preventative measure. There’s Cupcake, who lives down the street; he seems to be doing very well with it. And then that one who’s always terrorizing the squirrels – what’s his name? Tucker? Anyway, he’s been taking it for years and is extremely healthy. None of them have contracted COVID-19.

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You might be surprised to learn that this medicine, which no one else in the media will tell you about, actually has really tremendous reviews. You should read what this one guy on Twitter, a very smart guy, is saying about it – @HillaryMurdersChildrenMAGA is his name. I think he’s a scientist. Anyway, he posts these beautiful graphs of all the people who have been taking their dogs’ medicine and are suddenly healthier than they’ve ever been. It’s like magic. People cough on them, and they don’t get the virus! And yet no one is talking about it. I don’t understand.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I asked my doctor – who’s more of a vet, really, but it doesn’t matter – if she wouldn’t mind writing me a prescription. She said she was more than happy to, especially after I stole a kitten from the waiting room and threatened to set it free in the building’s air-duct system if I didn’t get the pills. I think she knows the medication works, too.

And let me tell you, compared to injecting myself with a household cleaner to disinfect my body from the inside – which, in retrospect, probably wasn’t the best thing to do, particularly because I’m now low on cleaner – this medication is extremely easy to take. I just hide it in a piece of cheese or coat it in peanut butter, and I don’t even notice I’ve taken it. And I haven’t suffered any of the side effects they warn you about, including cracked paws or dry snout. The vomiting has been pretty violent, though.

Now, I know some people out there will say it’s stupid and reckless to take medicine that’s not normally prescribed for someone like me on the off chance it might protect against contracting this virus. That the evidence of its efficacy just isn’t there yet, that the dangers are real and that I shouldn’t be experimenting on myself during a pandemic. That prophylactic self-prescription is not the same as treating a critically ill person with an off-label prescription in a hospital setting or as part of a clinical trial. And that it’s irresponsible of me to be using my platform to promote an unproven remedy.

Well, to that I say: Did you hear about the illegal things Barack Obama did in the Oval Office? These crimes happened for years. Some of the worst crimes imaginable. I think you should be asking your questions about “Obamagate” instead.

Yes, I know this is a very serious problem and that millions of people are suffering right now, but I think it’s more important that we don’t talk about that and instead hold the person no longer in office accountable for vague, unspecified illegal activity. Besides, I’m pretty sure COVID-19 will go away by summer and not come back.

Until then, you might want to pop by your local veterinarian’s office, issue a little threat and see if you can get yourself some off-label medication at the expense of the geriatric, arthritic dogs in your neighbourhood. They can do without for a little while, I think. And if it keeps you healthy – which I can’t promise – and if it doesn’t kill you – which, okay, it might – you can thank me later.

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I should also mention that for the past several weeks, I’ve been slamming my hand in the car door each evening because I read online that it helps to stave off scabies. The internet doesn’t lie. So far, so good.

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