MEMORANDUM
To: Former presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton
From: Protocol officer, Royal Canadian Mounted Police - Lifestyle Division
Re: Your Toronto public appearance, May 29, 2009
Dear President Bush and President Clinton:
A brief note to update you on some details for your visit. As non-residents entering Canada, you are each entitled to import 1.14 litres of spirits, 1.5 litres of wine or 24 bottles or cans of beer.
Advance teams have planned a secure route to ensure a safe and pleasant drive from Toronto Pearson International Airport to the Metro Toronto Convention Centre. The drive follows a route designed to bypass Tamil street protests, as well as protests by angry auto workers, angry auto executives, angry Ontario liquor-store employees, angry Ontario liquor-store customers, angry cosmopolitans, angry Toronto Maple Leaf season-ticket holders, angry overworked anger-management specialists and a flash mob tweeting about your visit. It should take only three to four hours.
Your on-stage dialogue will be moderated by television personality George Stroumboulopoulos, often referred to as "Canada's Walter Cronkite." Following an initial formal introduction, George will invite each of you to kick back, to get real and keep it real, to do a short promo for a Canadian movie theatre chain, and then to critique a Bif Naked/Bachman-Turner Overdrive music video mash-up he has edited.
(Interesting fact: George's surname was originally spelled "Strombolopolos," but Canadian spelling requires the addition of the letter u.)
To help you prepare for the Q&A session, we have surveyed ticket holders to get a sense of likely questions they will be posing to you. These include:
- Do you think Gary Bettman will allow the Phoenix Coyotes to move to Hamilton?
- If not, why won't Gary Bettman allow the Phoenix Coyotes to move to Hamilton?
- Under the free trade agreement, don't you think Gary Bettman has to allow the Phoenix Coyotes to move to Hamilton?
- Do you think Gary Bettman will allow the Phoenix Coyotes to move to Winnipeg instead?
- What's the deal with Gretzky? Why isn't he talking?
- President Barack Obama recently announced measures designed to improve U.S. relations with Cuba. For example, authorizing American telecommunications network providers to enter into agreements to establish fibre-optic cable and satellite telecommunications facilities linking the two countries. Do you think this will reduce my cellphone charges when I go to Varadero Beach next March break?
- Fantasy Hockey question: Should I trade Miikka Kiprusoff for Martin Brodeur?
We have received the contract riders from your offices, listing your preferences for backstage refreshments, and we just wish to clarify one point: We are having some difficulty reconciling your separate requests for a "true Texas-style BBQ" and a "true Arkansas-style BBQ," partly as both seem to require approximately 72 hours of advance smoking of rattlesnake meat marinated in Jim Beam and regional varieties of cough syrup. We would like to propose a domestic alternative, a beloved national dish, chewy and manly, known as "Canadian Tire jerky."
Canadian law requires that only the RCMP can issue the equivalent of the code names assigned to you by the Secret Service. The tradition here is to use names that will not draw public attention to any security discussions. So, during your Toronto visit, President Bush will be known as "Wayne," while President Clinton will be referred to as "Shuster."
Finally, with regards to your payment for the event, you will be visited afterward in your hotel rooms by a small German man who will give each of you several cash-stuffed envelopes. Don't ask - it's a Canadian thing.
Gerry Flahive is a documentary producer in Toronto.