Toronto Maple Leafs' head coach Randy Carlyle looks on in the final minutes of the game against the Winnipeg Jets on Saturday, April 5, 2014.Nathan Denette/The Canadian Press
Of all the difficulties facing fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs, the hardest might be coming up with something new to say every spring about the team's inevitable collapse. Sure, it's tough to watch them fall out of playoff contention with a listless late-season skid, or to lose a first-round Game 7 that they were leading by three goals with 10 minutes to go, or whatever other fresh hell the Leafs can conjure, but putting it in words, that's the real challenge. Like Cyrano de Bergerac at the Hôtel de Bourgogne, it takes imagination and a deft mind to find new ways to spite your own nose. In the spirit of the great playwright, here are suggestions for Leafs Nation:
Aggressive: They suck.
Descriptive: They are not a successful team.
Friendly: What thoughtful players, constantly lifting their competitors' spirits!
Gracious: There's always next year!
Mocking: There's always next year!
Admiring: It's impressive the way fans continue buying those expensive tickets, win or lose.
Considerate: Why don't we talk about your cottage?
Pedantic: Have you looked at their Corsi? [sniffs]
Emphatic: They really, really suck.
Simple: When's the burial?
Rustic: I've seen chickens roam a barnyard with more cohesion.
Curious: Why do they bother playing the regular season if they have no intention of winning the Stanley Cup?
Truculent: When the Leafs practise, whom do they hire to actually touch the puck?
Military: Welcome to the suck.
Practical: Go Bruins!