The well-armed teacher’s lesson plan

Ian Brown, a feature writer for The Globe and Mail, offers a satirical take on arming teachers in schools.

Date and unit: Monday, Feb. 26, 2018 / Unit 26

Grade: 5

Teacher: Miss Wilkie

Subject: English Lesson

Aim/objective: Students will be able to identify grammatical elements and stylistic techniques used to establish character, mood and setting while their teacher wards off an assault-rifle attack on the classroom. Using Chapter 1 of The Yearling, by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, students will be able to identify and explain the function of interjections and verb tenses as the instructor immobilizes and neutralizes classroom attackers and minimizes student mortality. This unit will appear on the end-of-term exam.

Materials: Paperback version of The Yearling, with Rawlings's introduction; blackboard (don't forget the CHALK) for word lists; Beretta A400 Xtreme 12 Gauge semi-auto shotgun; Second Chance Monarch MR01 concealable ballistic vest with soft trauma plate; Smith & Wesson 9-mm Shield pistol as backup. Remember BOTH pistol magazines.

Lesson, Part 1 (20 minutes): Have each student read three sentences of the opening paragraphs of The Yearling out loud and discuss their functional role, while protecting children from AR-15-wielding lunatics. Focus on Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, author, The Yearling. Was she in favour of hunting? Did she own a shotgun like your teacher's? How does she establish the basic facts of teenager Jody Baxter's life in Cross Creek, in scrub-country Florida in the 1870s? Does he go to school at all? What is his relation to his mother's authority, before he shirks his hoeing chores to slip off to the Glen, where he first encounters Flag, the fawn? Could he ever become a shooter?

N.B.: Make sure shoulder holster and ammunition belt fit properly under new H&M blazer, given President Trump's order that teachers should be armed to "harden" schools against shooters. Maybe concealed-carry ankle holster is more appropriate, given subject matter (young deer becomes boy's best friend?)

Lesson, Part 2 (10 minutes): While each student writes a single example of evocative language on the blackboard, take up defensive/hold position opposite door of classroom, behind full camo blind. Make sure the safety's on.

Useful examples from Chapter 1: "Ma's a-laughin'! Ma's a-laughin'! You ain't riled when you laughin'!" (interjection); "A column of smoke rose thick and straight from the cabin chimney" (past tense to set the scene as memory); "You gittin' slick as a clay road in the rain" (present tense, dialogue, simile as evocative language).

Assessment activity: Are the class's selections of evocative language universally evocative? Student-led CLASS POLL; meanwhile designated monitors will separate lead-alloy hollow points and full brass jacket target rounds into appropriate ammo cans. What did the author mean when she said she wanted to write this book all her life: "I remember particularly a very special spring of April day, the day I describe in the first chapter of The Yearling. I remember the delicious exuberance that I felt. And at the height of my delight, a sadness came over me, and I understood suddenly that I should not always be a child, and that beyond this care-free world life was waiting with its responsibilities…the joy of childhood and the strange fore-knowledge of maturity." Meanwhile, from back-of-classroom window perch, practise cross-schoolyard splatter target groupings (head and chest only) with in-chamber laser boresight-equipped Luger P2M handgun. Remember: breathe-THEN-squeeze.

Homework: Chapter 2, with attention to why Jody wants to shoot Old Slewfoot the bear but NOT shoot Flag, the fawn. Emphasis on EMPATHY, and what creates it. Free period can be used for homework/target practice in the gym.