When leadership consultant Elaine Allison used to teach assertiveness courses for businesswomen, she advised them to act just like men to get ahead in their careers.
"The advice was to stand tall, take up more space, be very direct and unemotional, and basically avoid any of the behaviours and ways of speaking that women do instinctively," the Vancouver-based president of Positive Presentations Plus Inc. explains.
"But I realized from my own experience this is fundamentally wrong."
Now, she believes, a woman can be strong enough to lead like a man, but take advantage of what makes her a woman.
Her new assertiveness training mantra: Women should become "velvet hammers."
That means being as commanding, strategic and hard-hitting as any man, but also using the natural abilities and strengths of women to lead with force and build loyalty.
These qualities include innate grace and eloquence, caring and consensus-building and a great ability to keep multiple tasks running at the same time.
Her new book, The Velvet Hammer, Leadership Lessons for Women Who Don't Golf, is intended to help women understand how they can leverage their differences in perception and behaviour, hormones and, most importantly, cultural expectations to their advantage as leaders, Ms. Allison said in an interview.
"It doesn't help women get ahead to deny who they are and, in fact, trying to command with the blunt force of a man and play the game their way will hold women back in the long run."
Because of cultural conditioning, people accept that men can command bluntly, directly and forcefully. If women lead with the same hard-hitting approach, they risk being labelled too brash and their authority can be marginalized, she says. "The differences are subtle, but there is no denying they are there."
So how can women use their velvet hammers? Here's her advice:
Establish your rules and stick with them. It's vital not to be pushed into playing someone else's game with rules that make it impossible for a woman to win, Ms. Allison says.
She got her first lesson in the gender realities of the workplace in her first job at the age of just 19, as a prison guard at an all-male detention centre in Toronto.
The first time she wheeled the meal wagon into the cell block, she was confronted by a group of naked prisoners.
"They did some shimmies and then the laughing started and, before long, even the male guard was giggling. I realized quickly that what worked for a male would not work for me," she says.
"If I yelled at them or tried to give a direct command like a man did, it would have made the situation worse; if I caved and ran away, I would lose all credibility."
So she developed her own approach to get their co-operation and, hopefully, their respect, she says.
"I stood outside the door and said, 'if you want breakfast, get up and get dressed.' " It worked, and they never confronted her again.
Use your hormonal advantage. Ms. Allison says that research shows that women under stress produce less adrenaline, the hormone that raises heart rate and blood pressure, than men do. The hormone prompts people to take action to confront a threat or flee from it; because men have high levels, they can make snap decisions that may be over-reactions, Ms. Allison explains.
At the same time, women also produce another hormone called oxytocin, which is best known for making it possible to relax enough to give birth. It also helps them stay calm when dealing with such things as unruly children and helps women bond with and build trust in others, Ms. Allison says.
Since a woman leading in a crisis is more likely to be more deliberate in weighing the issues, discuss them with others and take a more reasoned decision, Ms. Allison advises them to go with the biological flow and resist men's urgings to "just make a decision and get on with it."
But don't let it get in the way. Ms. Allison says that oxytocin also creates a tendency for women to want to talk through stressful situations with those they trust.
This tendency can make women highly respected as leaders, because it makes staff feel included and their input respected, Ms. Allison notes.
But it can also be a recipe for the "you won't believe what just happened" talk that can lead to gossip and second-guessing, she says.
As a leader you want the trust of everyone, so she advises resisting these conversations and instead working with the whole team to look for solutions.
Be aware of your words. While people have become culturally accustomed to respond to men's orders as commands, when requests come from women, they are taken as personal comments, Ms. Allison says.
If a man says "you should stop doing this," it doesn't have any other meaning, but if a woman says it, the same statement can be perceived as "I don't like what you are doing, but that's just my opinion."
So Ms. Allison recommends women consciously avoid using the word "you" in giving feedback.
A more effective approach, she suggests, is to describe the behaviour and how changing it would bring an improvement.
For instance, "when someone does that, the result is ... so this is what I would like to see happen," she suggests.
Don't fight a bully in the backyard. It's a lesson Ms. Allison learned when, as a manager of flight attendants for the former Wardair Ltd., she was challenged by a man with less authority who refused her request and called her "an idiot" in the middle of a flight.
"What do you do you've just been taken out? If I said 'I'm sorry,' I'd lose all credibility and if I said 'I'm the boss,' it becomes a challenge that can escalate the fight."
A man might just launch into a fight publicly, wanting to settle it on the spot and proving how tough he is.
The velvet hammer approach is to hold your ground but not get into a fight that might escalate into something physical which you couldn't win and would only undermine your authority with others who are watching.
Instead of trying to impose your authority on the spot, Ms. Allison recommends attempting to neutralize the immediate situation.
To the threatening attendant she said: "I see you are upset. We'll talk about it later," which defused the immediate situation and let her deal with it later in private.
Make sure you do deal with issues. A male manager might be able to say "we'll talk about it" and let it ride and not lose face, Ms. Allison says. But women must follow up; otherwise, they will be perceived as weak.
Big girls do cry. Men are taught from an early age that, to be tough, they have to hide their emotions and bluff with a poker face, Ms. Allison says. Women, she says, have more centres that trigger emotions in their brain and are naturally going to respond emotionally.
It's not a sign of weakness if women occasionally lose their poker faces and cry or smile, Ms. Allison says.
Find a mentor. The vast majority of management advice books are written for men, she says, so a woman has to find some advice on adding velvet to her approach. A woman who has been successful as a leader can be a tremendous source of advice and support, Ms. Allison says. Other women will help you because "women are amazing connectors; they really do create a circle of influence that you should and it's a resource you should be continually tapping into."
Be proud of your juggling skills. Men tend to concentrate on a single task at a time and can become so focused they may not see other issues before they become problems, Ms. Allison says. Women, she says, are wired with more nerve connections between the hemispheres of the brain and this gives them more ability to keep multiple tasks on the go simultaneously.
Be aware that men may see this as a lack of focus, Ms. Allison notes. But women should trust themselves and cultivate the ability because it is a great leadership skill to be able to pull together information from various sources and sense potential threats in time to head them off, she says.
Delegating is not a sign of weakness. "The ability to multitask is one of women's greatest gifts, but it can also be our greatest enemy because we think we have to do it all. There is nothing wrong with asking for help and you don't have to get it all done yourself," Ms. Allison says.
Relax. "We should be celebrating the strengths of both men and women, she says. "Once you realize that you don't have to beat yourself up for being different and you can behave like yourself, it all becomes less stressful," Ms. Allison explains. "It's difficult to become a confident leader if you are denying what are actually your innate strengths."
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