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Former Raptor Lou Williams, pictured here on Feb. 11, 2020, has admitted going to a strip club, but claims he was only there to pick up a take-out dinner.The Associated Press

There are two models for sports during COVID-19.

The successful kind is the one we’ve just seen wrap up in Britain. The Premier League returned without crowds in attendance five weeks ago and wrapped up Sunday.

In between, Liverpool won the title, Leeds won promotion and nothing newsworthy outside the sporting context happened. That last part was the most remarkable.

The league was transparent in its testing regime (only four positives during the whole of the restarted season). No players went walkabout in underground nightclubs (that we know of).

Given the circumstances – a multinational work force re-entering England from around the world, into a society not exactly well known for loving rules – it’s a small miracle. But it proves it can be done.

Now it’s our turn to take the test.

This is not just a measure of the organizational capability of the NHL, NBA and Major League Baseball. It’s us trying to prove that North Americans can still make promises and stick to them. Because that’s become a problem for us.

We don’t do things that inconvenience us any more. Not happily, and not unless we’ve been terrified first. We have increasing trouble getting everyone to pull in the same direction.

There are different types of this trouble. There is the Canadian, “What do you mean I can’t go to my friends’ out-of-province cottage?” sort of trouble; and the south of Mason-Dixon, ”If I want to host a kegger in a hospital parking lot then by God the Constitution says I can do that,” sort of trouble.

But it’s all trouble.

We have been talking a lot lately about which countries are or aren’t well run. New Zealand? Well run. Britain? So-so. Canada? Pretty well run. The United States? It’s like the Exxon Valdez, but imagine the captain lit it on fire while it was still in port.

This calculation presumes that the most important part of a successful operation is having a sitcom boss. The sort of boss who treats his employees like children, gently pushing them in the right direction and handing out life lessons on a half-hourly basis.

What we don’t talk about is which countries are or aren’t well staffed. Not by public servants. But by their citizenry.

If we presume the United States is a basketcase because its president is also one, that infantilizes the populace. They can read, can’t they? Most of them have heard of CNN? Every time they screw up, that’s not on Donald Trump. That’s on them.

America has become one of those poisoned workplaces, where everyone is on the hunt for an angle or a scam. It’s the sort of job where you can get a friend to clock you in so you’re not late, or sneak a few bucks out of the till. Everyone else is doing it, so why not me? Why should I care about the rich goofs who own the place?

Except that in the case of nation-states, the employees are the owners. And unless they are willing to cross a border, there are no other jobs to be had.

A well-staffed country wants the business to do well. It actually gives a damn about all the other people who work there. It takes pride in social order. It thinks less about its rights and more about its responsibilities.

Coronavirus has given us an objective look of which countries are well staffed and which are inmate-run asylums.

This is where sports comes in.

These leagues are now social laboratories for international public-relations purposes. Because if they can’t manage to figure out pandemic sports without a major implosion, it shows poorly on all of us.

The NBA had a hiccup over the weekend. Los Angeles Clippers guard Lou Williams was excused from the bubble to attend a funeral. A rapper buddy of his posted a photo of the two of them some hours later sitting together in an Atlanta strip club. The rapper tried to walk it back, saying the image was from the Before Times (though both men were wearing masks).

It’s been reported that Williams has admitted going to the rippers, but was only there to pick up a take-out dinner.

Unless this is one of those Michelin-starred peeler joints, no one eats at a strip club. No one. Not ever. This is very possibly the worst excuse ever given.

When Williams played in Toronto, he seemed like a lovely guy. Chatty, funny, did not take himself terribly seriously. He’s no longer what you’d call young – 33 years old.

So, I mean, come on. Is this really the level we’re trying to hit here? All you needed to do was not do something – that’s the easiest kind of job.

But this is the difference between well-staffed and poorly-staffed countries. Given half a chance, the employees go rogue.

This is where you begin to wonder if the players understand how vital they are to steering our weird, temporary zeitgeist. Having assumed new roles as activists, the pros are now functional public servants, inasmuch as they have volunteered to serve the public interest.

This freights them with a new responsibility to be exemplary citizens. They want to make a change? Wonderful. But you can’t just say it. You have to live it, in all aspects of your life. And there are cameras and exceedingly dim emo-rappers everywhere.

One Williams situation is funny. Two is a pattern. Three will cause outrage.

Outrage is very fashionable at the moment, and mostly useless. You know where they have less outrage? In places where people aren’t inclined to be outrageous.

This outrage is aggregate. People will not treat the NBA and NHL as distinct entities. It’s all just athletes being stupid or smart, as the case may be.

Carrying off successful basketball and hockey seasons won’t change anything about our situation. At best, it’s a nice distraction.

But gaffe-prone or cancelled ones will deepen North America’s collective suspicion that we can’t figure things out anymore. That, since we are attached at the hip with the U.S., our society is in decline, too. And that our once-thriving business is now in long-term danger of going under.

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