In the history of total codswallop on TV, there have been few things like it.
Texas Rising (Global, History, 9 p.m.) is it, a monster of a new mini-series, going on and on over five parts and 10 long, long hours.
Directed by Roland Joffe, it stars – stand back, people, this is a gargantuan list – Bill Paxton, Brendan Fraser, Ray Liotta, Kris Kristofferson, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Olivier Martinez, Cynthia Addai-Robinson, Rob Morrow, Jeff Fahey and Crispin Glover. Plus a cast of thousands of varmints.
What's it about? Well, a lengthy explanation and scene-setting text appears on-screen at the start. If I were to report all of it here, there wouldn't be space to add anything except a repeat of the word "codswallop." While that might be apt, it would not do justice to the totality of the preposterousness.
Anyhoo, the rough gist is this: It's 1836. The Alamo has been reduced to ashes. The disputed territory of Texas is a mess of "Settlers. Mexicans. Tejanos. Indians. Renegades. Soldiers." Also: "Outlaws roam freely." This fella, General Sam Houston, and his "rag-tag volunteer army," helped by "a fierce militia," set out to save Texas from the rapacious and nasty, nasty, nasty Mexicans. Can they do it? Heck, this ain't no time for dumb questions.
First we get the fall of the Alamo. The victorious Mexicans slaughter most of the male survivors. "They're not soldiers. These men are pirates," a sneering Mexican general brays like a cartoon villain. Everybody watching is supposed to go, "Boo! Hiss!" at this juncture.
But wait. A mysterious figure emerges from the ruins and starts slitting Mexican throats. Why, it's Ray Liotta, playing a fictional figure named Lorca. Perhaps because he's fictional, he doesn't say much. In fact the character doesn't speak for about half the length of this long, long miniseries. He does slit throats to make his point, though. Like you do, if you don't have dialogue.
Other characters can enter the Hall of Fame of phony-baloney, cornball faux-Texan talk. On seeing Sam Houston (Bill Paxton), a doctoring fella pronounces, "You're so pekin' you look like death eatin' a cracker." Not long after, a peckish member of the rag-tag army declares, "I'm so hungry I could eat the south end of a northbound goat." At all too regular intervals guys on horses gallop around, going, "Yee-haw!" That lengthy text of an introduction really should include a warning about the plethora of such headache-inducing incidents.
Time passes. Slowly. There's an attempt at injecting romance and hanky-panky in the person of Emily West (Cynthia Addai-Robinson), who has a thing with Sam Houston, before seducing Mexican general Santa Anna for the purposes of spying. A near-naked woman in a bathtub! Yee-haw! I regret to report that this instance of carnality does not save the series from being codswallop. Mostly, you see, we are obliged to stick with Sam Houston and his boys mooching around, talking rubbish and doing a fierce amount of "figgerin' out" how to engage the dastardly Mexicans.
While watching Texas Rising, I became aware of a Canadian Press report that Texas-born and raised Jeb Bush had declared the United States' relationship with Canada is "in need of serious repair" and it's time to "stop insulting our neighbour to the north."
Ya'll can start by ceasing to peddle TV hogwash such as Texas Rising to Canadian broadcasters and viewers. We need no further education in codswallop, thanks. Mighty grateful and all.
Also airing tonight:
The Island (NBC, 10 p.m.) is a new reality series. The gist is, "Without any modern conveniences, 14 men fight for survival on a deserted island, where they must find water and food and build their own shelter." All this and Texas Rising too. I feel like the fella who looks like death eatin' a cracker.