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Gerry Flahive

Gerry Flahive

GERRY FLAHIVE

It’s not us, Ted Cruz, it’s you Add to ...

“Canada-born U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz has yet to renounce his birth country’s citizenship as promised – but a spokeswoman said Saturday the conservative Tea Party favourite plans to finish the process soon.” – Associated Press

Welcome to De-Canada. We’re sorry you wish to renounce your Canadian citizenship. Was it something we said? Whatever.

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It is important that you understand the consequences of your inexplicable decision.

First, you will lose the right to vote in Canadian elections. (OK, maybe we shouldn’t list that one first.)

Second, you will have to spend, say, 30 to 40 minutes removing the Canadian flags from your backpacks. So there’s that.

You will lose access to Canada’s free health-care system. And don’t bother trying to schedule a tummy tuck while you’re waiting for us to shred your passport.

You’ll lose that wondrous feeling of being on a planeload of Canadians flying to Fort Lauderdale in January, because these are easily the happiest group of people on the planet. Trust us, it’s so much sweeter than actually living in Florida year-round.

Drinking milk poured from a plastic bag? That’s over for you, buster.

Canadians, as you well know, have 63 different words for “snowmobile” and 27 words for that plastic bag of milk already mentioned. Say goodbye to linguistic diversity.

You will be digitally removed from that Sidney Crosby/Tim Hortons commercial. No, the other one. Well, all of them.

You will have to unlearn the 11 or so words you’ve memorized from the lyrics of O Canada.

You will probably have to pay some sort of onerous satellite/cable fee to be able to watch Murdoch Mysteries with the original Canadian commercials.

People will assume your Canadian accent is some sort of affectation. Think about that.

And when you come crawling back on your hands and knees, as you inevitably will, and beg us, BEG US, to let you back in, please use the “Renounced Citizenship But Have Nothing To Declare” line at Canadian airports.

However, given all of this, if you still wish to proceed with this wholly unnecessary and hurtful process, here are the steps:

1. Find a Canadian, any Canadian. All Canadian citizens are empowered to perform a Hoser Exorcism, relieving you of the few responsibilities and many, many privileges of Canadian citizenship, by kicking your ass three times.

2. Click the heels of your snowmobile boots and say “There’s no place like Wawa, there’s no place like Wawa, there’s no place like Wawa.”

3. That’s it. That’ll be $290.00. $290.00 Canadian.

Gerry Flahive is a documentary producer and writer in Toronto.

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