As quests go, there's the moon landing (done), civilizing Mars (maybe some day) and the Great American Novel (still in progress). Then there's the Canadian Dream Car, which has been attempted a couple of times so far (badly).
One try was the 67X, commissioned by Esso in 1967 as part of Canada's centennial celebration. It was created by George Barris, a California builder known as the "Kustom King." Barris's previous creations included the Batmobile and the Monkeemobile, so it wasn't a surprise when the 67X turned out to be a swooping monstrosity with barely enough ground clearance to navigate a parking lot, let alone a Manitoba snowstorm.
A few years later came the Bricklin SV-1, a kluged-together, gull-winged sports car that was supposed to turn New Brunswick into a manufacturing hotbed. Again, no ground clearance, and a lousy defroster system. The SV-1's designer was huckster Malcolm Bricklin, and the project's most notable accomplishment was the depletion of New Brunswick's provincial coffers. The only truly Canadian aspect of the Bricklin was the taxpayer subsidy.
So what should the Canadian Dream Car actually be? Reader Chris Ayers sent me his design specifications for the ultimate Canadian car. His proposed machine included an unpainted oil pan that could be heated with a small bonfire, and in-door scabbards for ice scrapers – these would be patterned on the cool umbrella scabbards that Rolls-Royce builds into the doors of its luxury machines.
Ayers also suggested a double-strength heater, self-rolling power cords that retract into the bumpers, and a set of flags that could be used to mark the car's outline when it's buried in snow. Excellent ideas. Maybe you also have ideas about what to put in the Canadian Dream Car. Please share them in the online comments section To get things rolling, here are some of my design specifications:
- Built-in cellphone module hack that lets you route all calls through a U.S. carrier, thereby evading the great northern telecom gougers. The savings on your cell bill would make the Canadian Dream Car essentially self-supporting.
- A built-in snow-removal system. Use a Pratt & Whitney jet engine with furnace ducts that would blast a powerful vortex of superheated exhaust around the car, creating a snow-free zone and eliminating all scraping – hopefully without melting the Dream Car in the process. Further engineering refinements could include a directed shot of exhaust heat that would automatically melt a path from the car to your front door.
- A 2,000-litre fuel tank. This would ensure that you won’t run out of gas in remote areas. It would also allow you to fill up on low-cost fuel in the United States and drive for the rest of the year without visiting an overpriced Canadian station.
- No gun rack. This would be available only on U.S. export models.
- GPS with a database of key Canadian cultural sites – hockey arenas, Tim Hortons drive-through windows, etc.
- Front-mounted plasma-directed energy weapon. I stole this idea from Ayers, who suggested that the energy weapon could be used to clear and preheat the road ahead. Pedestrian safety could prove to be an issue, but the idea has promise. And a rear-mounted plasma weapon might also serve as a highly effective tailgating deterrent.
- Hockey stick dispenser – I spent many years travelling to rinks with my son, and always wanted a dispenser that would hold his game sticks – and automatically kick out a pretaped spare when they broke.
- Trunk-mounted skate sharpener.
- A radio that auto-tunes Blue Rodeo and Gordon Lightfoot while blocking any station that mentions the Kardashians.
- Auto-switch wheel system connected to climate sensors. In late September, the car would go on alert for cold weather. When temperatures hit 7 C, a servo-controlled wheel-switching system would rotate the summer wheels up and out of the way and swing in a set of studded tires mounted on steel rims.
- Heated front, side and rear windows.
- Heated seats.
- Heated steering wheel.
- Heated heater-control knob.
- Parking-spot demarcation and guard system. Ayers suggested a chair to mark a cleared parking spot, but why not go all the way, and build in a system that erects steel walls around your cleared parking spot to make sure no opportunists slide in? As an option, the walls could be topped with barbed wire.
- Ceiling-mounted tuque remover. When you get in the car, a robot arm would automatically pluck off your hat and store it in a compartment until you arrive at your destination.
- Moose-guard bumpers for those trips to Northern Ontario.
- Optional tailgate-mounted cutting board and barbecue grill. This will come in handy if you do hit a moose.
Like us on Facebook
Follow us on Instagram
Add us to your circles
Sign up for our weekly newsletter