It's almost Halloween, a time of year when a world beset with real threats, such as global warming and terrorism, distracts itself with imaginary ones. Sadly, the automobile sits high up on the list of real dangers. To their critics, cars are bad. They pollute, maim and kill.
Such auto-phobic sentiment depresses me. Sure, the automobile has a downside but there's a whole lot of upside. For instance, the automobile is the only means of travel that can be both the transportation to, and location of, sex. Without them, modern society would not be possible. Almost everything travels by car or truck at some point. This irony is lost on car haters. It never occurs to them that the iPhone they have glued to their hands didn't arrive at the store by carrier pigeon.
Yet, there is at least one realm where the car is still king, where the automobile is revered, coveted and appreciated. I'm referring, of course, to the zombie apocalypse. When end times arrive and millions of brain eaters roam the Earth, having a car and a working knowledge of the automobile will be life-saving.
Put it this way: You never see someone cycling away from a throng of zombies on The Walking Dead.
I don't care how fit you are. You can't peddle fast enough or long enough to outrun bloodthirsty zombies. If, however, you're driving a beat-up Chevy, you've just added another day to your dystopian future. Cars are so important that, in every single zombie series or movie, the heroes are constantly searching for a working automobile. On The Walking Dead, a car with a quarter-tank of gas has bailed out Rick and the gang on many occasions.
The car situation is one of the few perks of the zombie apocalypse. For starters, you can drive any car you want – for free. Yet, you never see people taking advantage of this. One of the most glaring weaknesses of the zombie genre is that they're full of cannibals and psychos, but you never encounter a group of car nuts going from awesome ride to awesome ride. Frankly, if the zombie Armageddon does occur, I intend to drive from Porsche dealership to Maserati dealership to Land Rover dealership. Monday I'd be in a Porsche Boxster, Tuesday a Maserati GranTurismo MC and on Wednesday a Ranger Rover Sport.
And guess what else? I'd have miles of open road and no speed limits. In terms of living, eating and not being torn to pieces by the undead, the zombie apocalypse will be a nightmare, but as far as the driving is concerned it will be awesome. It will be "apocalriffic!"
I'm not alone in my thinking. There are bloggers who list the best rides for the zombie cataclysm. Most suggest staying away from compacts. A Fiat 500 Abarth Cabrio would be too easy for a bunch of walkers to flip. Website roadloans.com evaluated the cars used on The Walking Dead. It liked Shane Walsh's 2011 Hyundai Tucson because it gets about 75 kilometres on empty. Darryl Dixon's 1976 triumph Bonneville Hardtail Frame Conversion gets 4.3 litres per 100 kilometres, but it would only take two or three zombies to pull you off it. It gives Rick Grimes's horse high marks. It never runs out of gas and can eat all the grass and hay it needs and, if you run out of food, you can always eat it.
If we've learned anything from zombie shows, it's that preparation is key. So, this Halloween, as you carve jack-o'-lanterns and hand out candy, compile your zombie apocalypse automobile wish list. Locate the nearest luxury car dealerships. After all, if you're going to be devoured mercilessly by a bunch of undead brain eaters, you may as well be sitting in a 1955 Mercedes-Benz 300SL Gullwing, which is on offer from British auction house Bonhams for $2.6-million. At least they'll know you have good taste.
Like us on Facebook
Follow us on Instagram
Add us to your circles
Sign up for our weekly newsletter
Andrew Clark