Valentine's Day is almost here and the romantic pressure is on. Some will try chocolates, others flowers, and a few of the more adventurous will purchase things on the Internet and hope they arrive in unmarked brown paper packages on Feb. 14.
That's a little pedestrian, if you ask me. After all, what's more sexually invigorating than the blending of the auto and the erotic? I'm talking about the romance of the bucket seats, the lust of Corinthian leather, that "new car smell" – I'm talking about car sex.
Regular readers are aware I'm an advocate. Unfortunately, car sex is considered the purview of adulterers and curbside perverts. This wasn't always the case. Those born before the Internet know there was a time when it was a rite of passage. You couldn't do it at home – so you took it on the road. There were only two kinds of drivers, those who'd made love in their cars and those who were going to make love in their cars.
Today we are seeing a mini car-sex renaissance as millennials living at home with their parents are finding carnal refuge in their automobiles.
Let's review the main reasons you should consider making love in your vehicle.
You have nowhere else to go.
It gets the most out of your automobile.
Good for the environment. (Every second you spend having sex in a parked car is a second that your car is not emitting noxious fumes into our delicate atmosphere).
Cars are sexy.
There, I said it. Cars are sexy and science bears this out. A 2009 Concordia University study of endocrinological response showed that driving a $150,000 Porsche can increase male sex hormone, while driving a beat-up Camry can cause a "slight deflation in testosterone."
A recent survey of 2,000 men and women by Insure.com found that ladies preferred men driving pickup trucks, while guys liked women who drove sports cars. This makes sense. The pickup is attractive because it says, "I will never outsmart you." Sports cars are attractive because they say, "I'm fast." Least alluring? Postal trucks, which say, "I'm having trouble putting the mail in your slot." Followed by minivans, which say, "I'll pick up the kids on my way home."
Yet it's not about the car alone. Lovers know that romance is about putting the right elements together. Success in vehicular relations depends on matching the right ride to the right amorous aim. In an effort to help start your engines, Road Sage presents a guide to pairing the car to the carnal.
BMW 5-Series
Manufacturer Specs: Fast and fuel efficient, it comes with "rear seat entertainment professional."
Romantic Occasion:
Celebrating passing of bar examinations.
First date after being released from hospital.
Finalization of divorce.
Mini Cooper Convertible
Manufacturer Specs: Soft top down, elegant, sporty interior, "including central speedo."
Romantic Occasion:
- Was on a picnic but then it rained so …
- Celebrating wrongful dismissal lawsuit in company parking lot.
- Second date.
Hyundai Elantra
Manufacturer Specs: Reliable. "When you consider everything, the well-appointed, beautifully designed Elantra has to offer, one word comes to mind: Bullseye."
Romantic Occasion:
- PA Day
- It’s Valentine’s Day and your wife had to go out of town on business.
- Taxes are done!
RAM Pickup
Manufacturer Specs: "You name the job – the Ram Classic Chassis Cab brings the commercial-grade performance."
Romantic Occasion:
- Just got paid.
- It’s two in the morning and you don’t know nobody.
- Tenth anniversary.
Honda Civic
Manufacturer Specs: "Sleek and clean as always." "Ample room for five passengers."
Romantic Occasion:
- Leafs again fail to make playoffs.
- It’s your annual date night.
- Switched to green tea in the afternoon.
Dodge Caravan
Manufacturer Specs: "Families grow."
Romantic Occasion:
- You have 18 minutes between dropping eldest child at soccer and picking up youngest at piano.
- Children are safely asleep in house. Caravan is in driveway.
- Just to feel something. Anything.
Toyota Corolla
Manufacturer Specs: "What would happen if you truly defied convention?"
Romantic Occasion:
- Brief lull in the fighting.
- Canada Day.
- Because a week ago you agreed to.
2014 Bentley Continental Flying Spur
Manufacturer Specs: "Designed for those who demand unrestrained luxury alongside uncompromising performance."
Romantic Occasion:
- You have grown tired of making love in your 2013 Bentley Continental Flying Spur.
Volkswagen Jetta
Manufacturer Specs: "There's plenty of Jetta to go around."
Romantic Occasion:
- Not guilty!
- Fifth anniversary.
- Because the Jetta told you to.
If you have questions about driving or car maintenance, please contact our experts at globedrive@globeandmail.com.
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Andrew Clark