First, I'd like to send out a great big thank you to everyone who read last week's Great Canadian Cyclists Exam and wrote in telling me off while noting that I'm "pale" and "fat" and an "uneducated redneck."
For the record, I'm a competitive triathlete and I was educated at Princeton and Cambridge.* Though some of my relatives hail from North Carolina (circa 1858) most are northerners who left the States after the American Revolution. Pale, I'll cop to. So, the appropriate insult would be to swear and then call me a "pale, rock-hard-abs-sporting, well-educated United Empire Loyalist."
Cheers, I wear your disdain as it were the fragrance "Hate" by Calvin Klein.
We realize car drivers and cyclists don't always get along, but that doesn't mean they can't share a laugh. Would you pass our tongue-in-cheek exam?
Some readers wondered why I couldn't write a "real," helpful quiz. Guys, that's not how I roll.
Some took the quiz as an assertion that I believe motorists are without flaw. Nothing could be further from the truth. Most drivers are so bad, so woefully incompetent, that time spent on the road leaves any sane person convinced that a) our extinction is inevitable b) the right to vote should be transferred from human beings to their pets and c) drivers should be required to pass an exam every five years to ensure they know what they're doing.
A quiz for drivers - now there's an idea! So, in the interest of fairness (or should that be universal unfairness?) and in an attempt to build on the constructive debate sparked by last week's quiz, Road Sage presentsThe Great Canadian Drivers Exam.
Circle the correct answer.
1. When you encounter the following sign, you …
a) Come to a complete and precise stop 15 feet into the intersection, take a sip of your double/double Timmys coffee and cruise forward almost running over a bunch of people-shaped objects.
b) "OMG IC a big red square circle thing in front of me. WTF is it? LOL ;)"
c) If by "stop" you mean "roll through while playing with my GPS" then yes I "stop."
d) Was that a stop sign? Oh. I'll stop twice at the next one.
2. How much space do cyclists need on either side of themselves as a safety zone?
a) None. I'm not worried about getting hit by a cyclist. I'm in a car.
b) It depends on what kind of lesson I'm trying to teach them. If it's my "You don't belong on the road" then eight inches, but if it's my "I could have killed you but I didn't" then 14 inches.
c) Space? Is that some kind of granola cyclist hippie thing?
3. It is okay for me to drive 80 km/h in a 40 km/h school zone because…
a) I have only five minutes to drive five kilometres to my health club so I can ride five kilometres on a stationary bike.
b) Speed doesn't kill. People not getting out of my way kills.
c) Speed limits are more like guesstimates.
4. I'm driving my minivan, which smells as if a cat has thrown up dog vomit. My middle-aged spread hangs over my Gap leather belt like a gelatinous wave spilling over a makeshift dam. On the radio, '80s retro plays - the soundtrack to my misery. My kids are strapped into their car seats stoned on fast food watching DVDs on their personal DVD screens which are lovingly secured in front of them. This is okay because…
a) It's important for my kids to learn there is more to life than sitting around the house watching television. There is also driving around in a minivan watching television.
b) Families are like sharks. If they stop moving they die.
c) If I have to turn around one more time, I'm going to have to make seven or eight more empty threats!
d) There's nothing like the freedom of the road. Free to drive the speed you're told, photographed by hidden cameras all the way, anywhere you want, as long as it's on roads the government has constructed. Freedom baby!
5. Drive-thrus are better than restaurants because …
a) If I am exposed to light and the open air I might turn to dust.
b) Less exertion. Saves energy for chewing.
c) Getting food passed to me through a square hole by someone in a uniform reminds me of prison.
6. Driving is important for society because …
a) It keeps the world away from me. I am safe.
b) It keeps me away from the world. Fewer people dismayed by my presence.
c) It's a win/win … but on a metaphysical level it's mostly b.
7. You see a cyclist 50 yards in front of you getting ready to make a right turn. You …
a) Okay, "I see a cyclist …" Let me try and imagine that …
b) I blow by, seeing how close I can come without actually hitting him.
c) Slam on my horn. These guys don't think the law applies to them.
8. Why must you use signals when turning?
a) Turn signals are like Twitter. They let people know what I'm up to.
b) Because it's very important for other drivers to use them.
c) To send out an alert of your intentions … before changing your mind at the last minute and turning the other way.
d) To inform other drivers of what you want to do after you've already done it.
9. You're driving along, minding your own business when some maniac cuts you off. You …
a) You want to settle this like men? You got it! Let's yell obscenities at each other from within our rolling steel cages until the light changes.
b) Drive up behind him, real close, and tailgate him for a few kilometres, endangering yourself, everyone in your car, everyone in the other car and everyone else on the road. Point made.
c) Nothing. Anger is wasted energy. We all make mistakes … Lovely planet you have here.
10. You've got the top down on your BMW convertible. Music pounds, causing damage to your hearing. Every inch you drive screams "See how much money I have." Or "I live with my parents." It's after 4 p.m. and parking is forbidden. You …
a) Pull over, put your hazards on and cause a traffic jam. They mean no parking for a long time.
b) Pull over, park, fling open your door almost levelling a cyclist. Talk on your phone. It's not parking if you are still in the car.
c) All of the above.
What's your score?
If you answered C you are correct. C is always correct because cars are big.
*This is completely untrue.
We realize car drivers and cyclists don't always get along, but that doesn't mean they can't share a laugh. Would you pass our tongue-in-cheek exam?
Andrew Clark