I had planned to write an informative piece on technology that would allow vehicles to communicate with each other on the road and could eliminate up to 80 per cent of crashes. I was close. I'd done tons of research and conducted in-depth interviews. This time, I was going to say something pertinent.
It was imperative. After all, how long could I ignore readers who e-mailed me saying that they had started reading one of my columns hoping to get an insightful story on how a man was arrested for turning a beer cooler into a vehicle or what the best position is for having sex in a car and instead was treated to a light essay. I don't mind disappointing people, but I find it easier when I know them personally. It was time to give the very serious people what they wanted.
But then a 52-year-old man in San Francisco announced he was suing BMW for giving him a two-year erection. All bets were off.
Erections? Motorcycles? Lawsuits? Now you're in Clark country. I couldn't pass it by.
Here goes. Last week, Henry Wolf filed a civil suit in a California Superior Court claiming that after a four-hour ride (taken in 2010) on a 1993 BMW motorcycle rigged with a Corbin-Pacific seat, he was hit with a severe case of priapism – a long-lasting erection that won't go away.
Wolf's suit maintains that "the ridge-like seat on his motorcycle, negligently designed, manufactured and/or installed by [the]defendants" caused a 20-month erection (which, apparently, he's still sporting). This condition has been debilitating and he "is now unable to engage in sexual activity, which is causing him substantial emotional and mental anguish."
Wolf's lawsuit is not the only one that may be connected to the case. I'm meeting with my lawyers and plan to sue Wolf and BMW for being involved in a lawsuit that has resulted in an orgy of bad punning. Giddy editors around the planet have been at it. Infractions include:
"Now he can't ride 'em."
"Biennial boner blights beemer biker."
"Uneasy rider."
"A hard 20 months."
"Boner man whinge."
And my personal favourite: "Man sues BMW for awesome problem."
That's the thrust of the matter, isn't it? BMW and Corbin-Pacific will likely fight this lawsuit. They will say that the BMW bike ride and the "ridge-like seat" did not cause a 20-month erection. I think they're missing the point. This is a great opportunity that they need to take hold of and work until they have extracted every ounce of potential market share.
Rather than fighting the suit – they should plead guilty.
Then it's time for some focus groups and branding sessions. Finally, in the fall of 2012, it's time for BMW and Corbin-Pacific to unveil the "Meat Seat." Or they may not want to allude to the seat's special properties at all. I mean, Viagra's name doesn't explain what it does. If it did sound like it worked, it would be called "Honey, get in here now!" or "Guess what I found?"
Other seat names BMW could consider include:
The Good Seat;
Adult Banana Seat;
Midlife Cushion.
Okay, for the sake of argument, let's go with Midlife Cushion.
BMW could market the Milife Cushion as an all-natural holistic alternative to Big Pharma's erectile offerings. When a man wants to engage in love-making but needs a little help, rather than popping a pill, he can hop on his BMW bike – equipped with patented Midlife Cushion technology to go for a short ride. If he wants a two-hour erection he can go for a 15-minute spin. If he wants three hours it's a full half-hour.
No need to leave his partner out of the process. The Midlife Cushion can comfortably seat two riders. It may take a lot longer, but scientists can work on technology that also primes the male rider's partner while the Midlife Cushion works its magic.
I have to tell you this is a slam-dunk. People already find motorcycles sexy. It's a known fact. Didn't Harlequin once have a whole series of books called Hero on a Harley? Doesn't Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen tell Wendy, "just wrap your legs round these velvet rims and strap your hands 'cross my engines"? Well, if BMW embraces the concept behind the Midlife Cushion, boomers like Bruce can tell their lovers, "Wendy, I'm going for a 15-minute ride. So, open a bottle of massage oil, put on some Bob Seger and then when I'm back, you can strap your hands 'cross my engines."
As BMW should know, when it comes to all things automotive, it's all about optimism, people. Sometimes a hard seat is good to find.
Follow Andrew Clark on Twitter: @aclarkcomedy
Andrew Clark