We are largely in agreement about going into debt for a wedding gift.
In a recent Carrick on Money survey, 97 per cent of the 5,381 participants nixed this idea. From there, the consensus on wedding gift etiquette fractured in a way that suggests a way forward for wedding guests. Give what you feel, not what you think is expected.
As with all decisions and events involving money these days, there’s an added level of tension with wedding gifts because of what’s happening in the economy. The comments provided by survey participants highlighted this. Many were eager to be generous, while others were resentful of expectations for presents and the cost of attending, especially for destination weddings.
The sweet spot for spending on gifts for family and close friends is $200 to $300 – one-third of survey participants chose this amount. Another third said up to $200, while 14 per cent said they’d spend $500 or more. A generational angle on this data: Almost all people in the 20-year-old to 30-year-old age bracket said they’d spend $200 or less, whereas seniors commonly said $500 or more. “At my age, I try to help young people in any way I can,” one respondent commented.
For co-workers and acquaintances, the consensus seems to be that you can ratchet down your spending quite a lot. Three-quarters of survey participants said they’d spend $200 or less and only about 5 per cent said they’d spend $400 or more.
Where consensus really breaks down is the answers to one of the big philosophical questions of wedding gift giving: Should the value of your gift reflect the cost to the couple getting married of having you attend? Or, as some survey participants put it, the cost of your plate.
Responses to this question were evenly split – a true 50-50 breakdown. For more nuance, let’s see what people said in their anonymous comments. Some samples:
- “We usually calculate $100 per guest, plus $50 to help pay for dinner. This means we give $300 (gift or cash) as a couple.”
- “To me, the expectation that the cost of a wedding gift should match or exceed the cost to the couple of having me attend is ridiculous. They are the ones choosing who/how many to invite and how much to spend per person. If they want a huge lavish wedding, that’s their choice and I’m not responsible to finance it.”
- “We start with the cost of our plate plus a little extra and add from there based on our relationship to the couple – $150 per person or $300 per couple was our starting point for a wedding with a meal pre-COVID. With inflation it now seems to be at least $200 per person or $400 per couple.”
- ”I have zero interest in contributing money to what is essentially an exorbitant photo op.”
Another question that generated a split in views was how to respond to wedding invitations that say “no gifts.” Those who would not give a gift prevailed by a margin of only 33 people over those who said yes. Among those who would send a gift, many indicated they would make a donation to charity. Gift cards were also used in this situation.
A few areas where there was broad agreement:
- You still have to send a present, even if you do not attend the wedding: Just 28 per cent said they would not send a present in this situation.
- It’s okay to spend less on a present if you don’t attend the ceremony: Only 37 per cent thought they’d spend the same.
- Giving cash is fine: Only 6 per cent disagreed.
A theme that emerged in the comments is that people are commonly giving less because of the financial stress they feel as a result of inflation and high interest rates. One survey participant had a good take on gift affordability: “Respect your own budget – no need to show off.”
A final note on wedding gifts: Many survey participants said they really appreciate a thank you note. One survey participant attended two weddings last year and was “surprised/appalled” not to get thank you notes from either couple.
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Rob Carrick