Are you stuck on the couch thinking about all the things you didn’t do in 2014? Has another year’s worth of hot new trends passed you by? Are your outfits out of touch? Is your facial hair a few steps behind the beat?
That’s how it used to be with me. Come New Year’s, I’d find myself admiring my dated forearm tattoos while noshing on a Chipotle burrito that hadn’t been cool in 11 years, my whole pathetic life choreographed to a soundtrack of the Black Eyed Peas, the White Stripes and Radiohead, never once realizing that all those people crowded at the window were laughing … at me.
With days still to go until 2015, it’s not too late to join the pumpkin-spice-flavoured dance party that was 2014. With this easy-to-follow, minute-by-minute guide, in just a few hours you can get hip to every amazing cultural trend that made this year the best, coolest, most stylish year ever. Look great, feel great, rid your body of the latest toxins, and before you know it, your friends will be saying Happy New You.
7:15 a.m. Wake up.
7:30 Unbox brand-new $2,500 hydraulic cold pressed juicer, which extracts “live” juice, thus preserving maximum vitamins, enzymes and minerals.
7:36 Consider which blend of fruits and vegetables will lead to optimal weight loss, immune boosting and cancer prevention. Addressing head of black kale, pomegranate and acai berries, say, “Your antioxidants are so last year” and hurl into garbage.
7:37 Juice entire head of “the new kale,” formerly known as cabbage.
7:42 Sip cold-pressed cabbage nectar while simultaneously watching True Detective and speed-reading Not That Kind of Girl, by Lena Dunham.
8:15 Experience intestinal distress. Curse self for not choosing Bulgarian yogurt, this year’s Greek yogurt, while watching Black-ish and speed-reading Amy Poehler’s Yes, Please.
8:45 Arrive at gym. Roll eyes that there are people still doing CrossFit, which is a year away from being retro.
8:52 While listening to all 13 episodes of Serial played at quintuple speed, unfurl yoga mat.
8:53 Begin doing Animal Flow, one of Shape magazine next 15 big fitness trends, “a series of functional bodyweight movements that fuse gymnastics, acrobatics, parkour, capoeira and breakdancing, all while staying low to the ground and engaging many muscles at once.”
8:57 When trainer walks by and says, “Nice! I took an Animal Flow clinic in 2012 and loved it,” experience shame and rage, but mainly shame.
9:07 Feel twinge in lower back while transitioning from parkour to breakdancing.
9:08 Feel twinge escalate to spasms.
9:09 Trainer pushes you in wheelchair to steam room.
9:10 Listen to anti-gluten conspiracy theory from trainer, who has just read Grain Brain.
9:11 Ask trainer if there is gluten in cabbage.
9:12 Nod head knowingly when trainer says, “Thanks to Monsanto, yes.”
9:13 Vow to go gluten-free.
9:22 Tell rotating cast of dudes in steam room that back spasms were caused by gluten.
11:35 Hobble out of steam room.
11:36 Resolve to grow beard.
11:37 Fertilize nascent beard with chia seeds, organic whey protein and phytosomes – the hottest must-have nutraceutical that unlocks the body’s ability to absorb nutrients.
11:38 Watch beard ooze out of follicles like Play-Doh Fun Factory.
11:42 Read article titled, “Have We Reached Peak Beard?” Frantically shave beard into 19th-century barbershop-style mustache with waxed ends. Laugh at pathetic guy in change room who still has beard.
11:46 Put on T-shirt that says, “I hated Jian Ghomeshi before it was cool.”
11:47 Post selfie of self wearing “I hated Jian Ghomeshi before it was cool” T-shirt to Instagram.
11:49 Delete selfie on Instagram and repost to Ello.
12:29 Subscribe to Spotify.
12:30 Discover that hottest album of 2014, Taylor Swift’s 1989, has been pulled from Spotify.
12:48 Buy first CD in 12 years, Taylor Swift’s 1989.
1:05 Arrive home and discover you no longer own CD player.
1:06 Realize computer doesn’t have DVD-ROM drive.
1:08 Knock on neighbour’s door. Ask to borrow computer. Rip CD onto desktop. Drag media files onto USB zip drive. Plug USB drive into own computer. Drag files into iTunes. Sync iTunes with cloud.
2:08 While nodding head to Shake It Off playing on brand-new iPhone 6 Plus, flip through the year’s two trendiest cookbooks: the southern-revivalist Heritage, by Sean Brock, and the no-holds-barred, flavour-forward vegetarian Plenty More, by Yotam Ottolenghi.
2:26 Combine recipes from both cookbooks into the most of-the-moment dish of 2014: Lowcountry Hoppin’ John dressed in feta, cilantro, olives, green chilies, lemon juice, honey, caramelized macadamia nuts, mustard, dill, ricotta, lemongrass, roasted sesame-seed oil, olive oil, mayonnaise, feta, tahini and hummus.
2:43 Experience intestinal distress.
2:50 Soothe stomach with glass of milk poured out of controversial yet recently approved three-litre Ontario milk jug.
2:51 Think, “What’s the big deal about a three-litre milk jug?” as milk splashes down esophagus.
2:52 Feel wave of giddy delight wash over body. Experience unbridled sexual longing and a craven desire for pleasure, at whatever cost.
2:53 After staring at underwear models in Sears Christmas catalogue, recognize three-litre milk jug as a dreaded “gateway container,” a threat not only to Ontario dairy farmers, but to the very fabric of Canadian society. Empty milk jug, burn milk jug and bury ashes.
3:00 Seek out a less-fraught beverage than Canadian milk: An ethically sourced, sustainably grown, perfectly extracted cup of single-origin Ethiopian robusta coffee.
3:28 Discover seven independent coffee shops on single block selling just such a coffee.
3:37 When barista says, “Do you want espresso, French press, pour over or Japanese slow drip,” say, “Japanese slow drip.” (Bonus: Barista, who has identical 19th-century barbershop-style mustache as your own, is also post-peak-beard.)
3:37 Nod knowingly when barista says, “Slow drip tastes even better in Australia because everything is upside down there so the water flows up instead of down and you get this totally different flavour profile.”
3:37 Tell barista, “I’m starting a craft-beer company based on Australian upside-down Japanese slow-drip coffee.”
3:37 Say, “Totally,” when barista asks, “Will the beer be gluten-free?”
3:52 Back on street, experience paralyzing moment of indecision over bike choice: a Euro-cool folding bike or a hipster-friendly penny-farthing?
4:47 At the suggestion of life coach, who is texting you over Snapchat, purchase welding kit and create world’s first foldable penny-farthing.
5:36 While wearing “I hated Jian Ghomeshi before it was cool” T-shirt, drinking Japanese slow-drip single-origin coffee and eating Lowcountry Hoppin’ John and riding world’s first foldable penny-farthing, attempt to snap single greatest selfie of 2014.
5:37 Wipe out and experience most talked-about injury of 2014: a concussion.
Jan. 1 Wake up in 2015 with amnesia. Peruse selfies and mutter, “Who is that idiot?”