If you can’t fake it, why make it? Vancouver eateries try their hand at vegan junk food

Share

It's Saturday afternoon at MeeT in Gastown and the popular purveyor of vegan junk food is packed. The woman at the next table devours the last bite of a Double Bacon-Double Cheez Burger and wipes a dribble of chipotle mock-mayonnaise from her chin.

"That just changed my life," she says, sighing dreamily. Her dining companion nods as if to say, "I told you so."

"Pardon me," I interrupt, "did you just say that burger changed your life?" I am gobsmacked. How could a burger – nay, a fake burger made from indeterminate plant proteins and wheat gluten (the chef won't reveal the source of his patties) – possibly be so transformative?

"Are you a full-time vegan?" I ask.

"I try," she says sheepishly.

It must be incredibly difficult to live as a vegan. I can't even imagine what it would be like to give up the greasy juiciness of sizzling browned beef, the gooey strings of softly melted cheese, the mouth-coating silkiness of high-fat ice cream. Luckily for those who have gone (or are trying to stick) to the dreary side of the dining table, there are an increasing number of restaurants that alleviate a modicum of martyrdom by specializing in guilty plant-based indulgences.

MeeT in Gastown, on offshoot of the original MeeT on Main, is a glass-and-concrete industrial space that doesn't look anything like a typical crunchy-granola hippie hangout. Nor do the customers, most of whom resemble runway models. The men have chiselled cheek bones, stubble beards and homburg hats. The women are long and lean, wrapped in bold head scarves and Barbie-pink fake fur coats. When did it become so cool to eat green?

Well, there isn't actually much fresh greenery on this menu. It's mostly all greasy facsimiles of diner-style mac 'n' cheese, chicken (cauliflower) wings, burgers and fries – six types of fries. This "veggie friendly comfort food" – the word vegan doesn't appear in any of the restaurant's promotional materials – isn't necessarily healthy. But can it ever taste as good as the real thing?

In the brave new world of lab-derived meat, there is now a veggie burger that actually oozes red blood. It's not beet juice, but rather a type of synthesized cow blood using heme, a molecule found in animals and some plants. New York chef David Chang was so "blown away" by the authentic beef-like flavour of the Silicon Valley-backed Impossible Burger, he launched it at Nishi.

The MeeT burger is not one of those. Not by a long shot.

The Double Bacon-Double Cheez arrives at the table with a serrated knife plunged through the heart of its soft white Kaiser bun. The burger is a tall, multilayered affair that looks impressive – a round slice of ripe hot-house tomato and bright-green frond of leaf lettuce poking out the sides – until you begin dissecting the faux components.

The spongy, house-smoked patty has a lightly browned exterior and pink centre. It kind of looks like meat. But it has the clammy, wet, rubber-band elasticity of lightly stewed tripe. Lacking in natural fat, the plant fibres get caught in the molars and dry out like gauze. The initial smokiness fades quickly, leaving you with a long-lingering note of freshly tilled garden soil.

Mind you, the patty isn't supposed to be eaten in isolation. The burger is piled high with more layers of fake foods: a pressed red-and-white strip of coconut and crispy seitan bacon (noxiously smoky and gummy), chao cheese (a pale-yellow version of a cold American slice with a whisper of fermented tofu funk) and queso (a flavourless white cheese that would probably lend the burger some much-needed creaminess were it melted instead of just flaccidly warmed).

The only way to make this burger taste remotely like a real beef burger is to slather it in the piquantly smoky mock mayo (which does have a good creamy heft), close your eyes and think of the worst cardboard-patty takeout burger you've ever gobbled at 2 a.m. after a bender at the bar.

"I'm sorry," I say, turning to my evangelized neighbour. "This doesn't do anything for me." I don't understand. Why this desire for mock meat? I've had much better-tasting veggie burgers made from beans and shredded carrots.

The mac 'n' cheese does a better job of faking it. The yellow cashew sauce is thick and melty, and the nutritional yeast sprinkled over top adds crumbly, gratin-like texture.

But honestly, the green side salad is the most satisfying part of the meal because it's real food.

Unfulfilled and confused, I wander over to Virtuous Pie, Vancouver's newest plant-based pizza joint in Chinatown. It's another modern-industrial room with shiny marble counters and white-washed brick. The communal tables are loud and tight, but the counter servers are quick, exceedingly friendly and impressively well-versed in the ingredients. For disillusioned omnivores, there is also wine on tap. At times such as this, it's important to remember that many great things grow from the earth.

Virtuous Pie has two types of crust: a regular wheat-flour, three-day dough that is moderately thin and sturdy; and a denser gluten-free dough made from tapioca starch, psyllium husk, rice, millet and buckwheat flours. The problem with the latter is that it cooks slower than the regular dough and is often served uncooked and crumbly. (The owner is aware of the problem and is working on it.)

But the cheese. It all comes down to the cheese. The truffle almond ricotta on the superfunghi is softly whipped, almost like a thick meringue, and does have good tang from probiotics introduced during the culture. It's passable when combined with all the pizza's other strong flavours – meaty sautéed oyster and criminis, herbed potato mash and a nicely peppery heap of arugula.

The margherita, however, has nothing but a decently spare San Marzano tomato sauce and handful of torn basil leaves to hide behind. The white blobs of cashew mozzarella don't cut it. They are slightly melted, but with a hardened crust. They have no stretch or string or flavour. This cheese has no soul.

I get it. It's not really cheese. And for some people, these processed reproductions are a godsend. But if you can't fake it, why even bother trying to make it? There is so much better to found in its natural form.

MeeT in Gastown

12 Water St., Vancouver,

604-688-3399, meetonmain.com

Cheap eats vegan diner

Virtuous Pie

583 Main St., Vancouver,

604-620-0060, virtuouspie.com

Cheap eats vegan pizzeria