With less than two weeks to go until the opening of TIFF, there’s precious little time to prepare for the most important festival on this city’s celebrity calendar. Here’s how.
1) Get in shape.
If you’re not reading this on a Stairmaster while doing high-rep arm curls, then forget about achieving maximal hotness by Sept. 8.
2) Purge your medicine cabinet of old perfume/cologne.
If it’s been more than three months since you opened the bottle, pour it down the sink (and then replace your sink) because there’s nothing worse than walking into a festival gala and smelling like last year’s air kiss.
3) Research, research, research.
Have you even looked at this year’s glitter list? It doesn’t take a genius to spot low hanging A-list fruit like Brad Pitt or Salma Hayek. But what about C-listers like Carlos Sorin? Do you have any clue how to drop Diego Noguera’s name in conversation? And if you plan on tweeting that Kaat Beels is at the Starbucks on Yorkville, wouldn’t it help to know if s/he’s male or female?
4) Develop a stylish dietary affectation.
Is there anything more pathetic than someone who pours regular half-and-half into their fair-trade Americano? This year’s coffee whitener is Takin, a politically repressed Chinese goat-antelope whose milk is the talk of Brooklyn. Request it in a manner that is both courteous and witheringly judgmental. Practise in front of the mirror. And don’t stop until you get it just right.
5) Phone GTA Exotics and rent the Ferrari 360 Modena.
If it’s booked, demand the Lamborghini Gallardo. (Under no circumstances settle for the Porsche Boxster.)
6) Research more.
If you bumped into Francis Ford Coppola puffing on a Cohiba in the smoking chamber at Hemingway’s, would you even recognize him? Do you think he wants to hear that you referenced the “You’re dead to me, now” speech from Godfather II at your wedding? Here’s a better idea: Congratulate him on his recent acquisition of the historic Inglenook name for his Napa Valley winery. You have one chance to get him to read your coming-of-age screenplay about a tween witch who falls in love with a hunkish vampire whose rich zombie family won’t tolerate his desire to become a Broadway star (filled with Glee-style song-and-dance numbers). Use it wisely.
7) Practise not staring at celebrities.
The success of TIFF is due to this city’s fascination with celebrities coupled with its gratification-negating sense of restraint. That takes practice. Google each celebrity on the Glitter List. As each face appears, glance at it without making eye contact, then immediately avert your gaze and count to 100 (while still doing arm curls).
8) Make your own swag bag.
Just because you didn’t get invited to TIFF’s most exclusive parties doesn’t mean you can’t parade around Yorkville with your very own swag bag. Inside a glossy pastel-coloured paper bag, place the following items: a) a Tag Heuer Carrera tachymeter watch; b) a bottle of Intensité volumizing serum by RéVive ($600/ounce); c) a litre of thrice-distilled Fiji water bottled in artisan zirconium; d) a box of Vive Aguanile Luxury Healing Candles (“multi-layered healing for a journey as unique and extraordinary as you are…”). Now plump the bag with plenty of tissue and get ready to swagger.
9) Art House or Commercial?
Are you driven by passion or a lust for fame and money? Is your skin clammy and pallid or a radiant mahogany? Do you smoke heroin in dumpsters while stroking a straggly goatee or pour Grey Goose into the cups of strangers while dance music pounds? There are two kinds of film types. Don’t wait until you’re in line at Bistro 990 to decide which side you’re on.
10) Dress rehearsal
Celebrities may have the luxury of doing endless retakes, but not you. Just because TIFF is live, however, doesn’t mean you can’t rehearse. Remember those celebrities you Googled? Practice requesting Takin milk as their faces appear on an endless loop – without making eye contact. Crack the seal on a new bottle of Le Labo, hop in the Ferrari and head for Yorkville (with the swag bag in the passenger seat). As you lurch through stop-and-go traffic on Cumberland, bask in the jealous gaze of onlookers as you scan the crowd for celebrities.
Special to The Globe and Mail
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