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(Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail/Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail)
(Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail/Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail)

satire

Toronto FC draws their biggest crowd and all we do is stare at Beckham's balls Add to ...

Are you ready for some football (which is to say, soccer)? This past Wednesday, the home side's biggest crowd ever watched as Toronto FC nearly beat the league champs – neither of which mattered, considering the celebrity hunk of chiselled beefcake taking corner kicks. Here, fans from across the city describe the one-man thrill machine that is David Beckham, who, coincidentally, also plays soccer.

I was extremely disappointed with his hair. After inventing the faux-hawk in the early 2000s, Beckham went on to define what it meant to have a cutting edge ’do. The whole point of him joining MLS was to up the overall quality of hair. Instead, the league has just dragged him down to their level. He’s just another tattoo guy now. So depressing.

–Evan, Etobicoke

I’m really impressed that Posh Spice’s husband learned to play soccer. Hot and smart.

–Lisa, Whitby

There was this electric moment during warm-up. The crowd was roaring and Beckham just nonchalantly took a swig from a water bottle, swished it around his mouth and spat it out. It hung in the air for this endless moment and landed perfectly on the turf. He makes it look easy.

–Stephen, Dovercourt Village

I cancelled a modelling gig because I heard Becks was staying at the Trump. I hung out at the bar for, like, four hours after the game, but he was a no show. I’m not saying we would have hit it off, but just being seen with him can get you on a cover, or even a part in a Hollywood film. In the end, some businessman bought me a bunch of cocktails and then undid the top two buttons on his shirt. What a creep.

–Ashley, Yorkville

Beckham is to soccer as Wayne Gretzky is to hockey, but way bigger. I mean, imagine hockey was the most popular sport in the world and all its stars were famous, wealthy paparazzi targets. Now imagine Gretzky married the most famous member of a breakout girl band – let’s say Belinda Carlisle. You with me? Okay, now imagine that, late in his career, Gretzky abruptly retired from the NHL and he and Belinda Carlisle move to Europe, which for the first time ever is finally getting into hockey in large part because Gretzky and Belinda Carlisle are moving there. Only the league doesn’t quite crack the mainstream the way everyone hoped, and it’s partly because Gretzky is always injured. Now imagine you live in one of the lesser cities in that league, whose team has never once made the playoffs. At the ripe age of 36, Gretzky shows up for a game that isn’t part of the regular season but could qualify you for a cup tournament that your team has no realistic hope of winning. The oft-injured Gretzky suits up. Then, near the end of the game, Wayne freakin’ Gretzky gets an assist. That’s what it was like to watch Beckham play.

–Jeff, East York



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