Welcome to 2016.
In a tradition that dates back to January 1, 2015, and which is therefore more venerable than the Apple Watch and the Trudeau government combined, we now bring you your second annual guide to the economic issues, technological advances and other trends that you will most likely hear about during the next 12 months.
To produce our guide, we inputted a carefully selected sequence of search terms into one of the world's largest and most sophisticated computers, consisting of thousands of multiprocessors distributed across a high-speed multi-tier distributed global network and capable of processing petabytes of information. (We punched "What to expect in 2016" into Google.)
Here are our findings.
ECONOMIC ISSUES
There is a frustrating amount of disagreement over where the global economy is heading this year. One noted economics blog says there are seven signs pointing to a world-wide recession in 2016, while another says there are only six. Which is it – six or seven? The discrepancy is shocking. The Economist added to the uncertainty by reporting that there is a 55 per cent chance of a global recession in 2016, which also means there is a chance there won't be a recession.
No one seems to know where the American economy is going, either. One respected firm says "the [U.S. stock market] crash of 2016 really is coming. Dead ahead." What are we to make of such equivocation? Canada's future is equally opaque. Canadian investment advisers say our economy will only suffer if oil prices remain low in 2016 (which they are predicted to do) and if there is a downturn in U.S. growth (likely).
Based on these mixed signals, the prudent course is clear: You should take out a $1,000,000 mortgage and bid $350,000 over asking on a home in Toronto or Vancouver.
TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCES
This was the year of "wearable" technology, what with the release of the Apple Watch. So where to next? Well, Apple has put in a patent for the "Apple Ring". That's right. Not lying.
Here's how we imagine it will work: When your iPhone rings, it will send a message to your Apple Watch, which will relay the message to one of the 10 Apple Rings you are wearing on your fingers and thumbs. Depending on which ring lights up, you will know whether the call is from a friend, a family member or your place of work. You can push one ring to hold a call while taking another on a different ring, which you will answer by extending your pinky and thumb and holding them up to your mouth and ear. You will also be able to dial a call using your rings, each of which will represent one of the digits from 0 to 9, and to punch in secret codes that open magical doors to new dimensions.
A special edition Apple Ring is being prepared for world leaders, CEOs and evil geniuses. It connects directly to headquarters in an emergency and is code-named Hotline Bling.
ADVANCES IN SCIENCE
Last year featured some amazing scientific breakthroughs. Among the most noteworthy was the discovery of flowing water on Mars. Scientists already knew there was ice there; in 2016, their focus should be on the search for whisky to go with the ice and water.
Last year we also saw advances in gene editing, the process of altering genes to create new traits in species, humans included. In 2016, scientists will learn something already well known to journalists and writers – that editors insert errors into perfectly good stuff and are basically evil. They must be watched closely.
FASHION TRENDS
Puffed sleeves and bath robes that are worn in the office, crocheted nightshirts that go well with raw fish, hippy chic dresses all sporting long fringe, these are a few of the year's favourite things.
SOCIAL MEDIA TRENDS
Could 2016 see the "end of demographics"? As we enter the "post-demographic era," advertisers will focus less on the birth dates of potential customers and more on "laser-targeted groups" through the use of campaigns directed at various "growth curves" situated across the social media landscape. "Real-time" social media updates driven by live-video broadcasting will increase "engagement" and defend against loss of "organic visibility." As always, "privacy issues" will be "important," as will be the use of quotation marks when describing social media trends to "people who still don't know what Twitter does" (your parents).
POLITICAL OUTLOOK
Angela Merkel will continue to lead Germany and Europe through many crises. Hillary Clinton will be elected the first female president of the United States. Justin Trudeau will be named "Sexiest Man Alive" by People magazine.