[INSERT BREXIT JOKE HERE]
We suggest you think in terms of headlines: Leaving Europe for Second Time in a Week; or In Period of Upheaval, Some Things Never Change for England.
Don't feel any pressure. You can't go wrong here. Given the timing and the team, everything you come up with is perfect.
One can only imagine how England will be savaged at home. The national team has blown more big games in the past 50 years than the Washington Generals. It's gotten so that very little can shock the veteran English soccer fan.
So kudos to England for taking things up several levels of dread. Losing 2-1 to Iceland in an elimination game at Euro 2016 is about as low as it can get for this program. But like its politicians, this national endeavour is nothing but ambitious. I'm sure it can get worse going forward.
Case in point: England manager Roy Hodgson was in Paris when Iceland played its final group game against Austria at the Stade de France. He wasn't at the match. Instead, he did a little sightseeing – Notre Dame, tour boat along the Seine. When it was suggested to him afterward that he might have been better off, you know, watching his next opponent, Hodgson called the idea "laughable."
Immediately after Monday's remarkable loss, Hodgson came into the media room and resigned via prepared speech.
Who writes out his resignation before playing a country that has never won an elimination game at any major tournament? The manager of England.
And what about this line from that oration: "The transition from the squad whose average age was 30 to now being the youngest in the tournament is both remarkable and exciting for the future of English football."
That right there is some English soccer logic: "We are still bad, but differently bad." Give me a team. I'll rid it of all the men and fill it with eight-year-olds.
Hodgson isn't entirely to blame. At least, no more than anyone who played. And he's likely to be replaced by someone even less competent.
England's problem is ever the same – they have no plan and less self-belief. As soon as things go just a little wrong, there is palpable panic in the ranks.
There is a scale of humiliating upsets at major soccer tournaments. You have to consider the occasion, the opponent, the scoreline and points deducted for style.
On that basis, this could be England's worst ever.
The occasion was more than a European Championship. The backdrop was the recent vote to abandon Europe. Here was a gift-wrapped moment to both show their quality and magnanimity in victory. This could have been a salve. Instead, England showered yet another aspect of their international reputation in lighter fluid.
The opponent? Iceland has a population roughly equal to Coventry. It has never been in a major tournament of any kind. Before the Euro began, management was on record as saying that a single draw in the group stages would be considered a success. The English could barely hide their glee when they got them. Instead, the minnows will play hosts France in the quarter-finals.
The scoreline must be the worst thing of all. This wasn't a scrappy game played in a downpour that got decided in the final few seconds. Conditions were ideal. England had a lead after four minutes via penalty. That should have been it.
They conceded the tying score two minutes later on a throw-in. A throw-in!
They fell behind in the 18th minute when their entire defence was caught ball-watching at the edge of the box. The shot should have been saved. England goal keeper Joe Hart was slow to react as the ball leaked under his outstretched hand. Hart was left hitting himself in the head out of frustration. In future, he might want to try that before the match. And with a mallet.
This still left England more than 70 minutes to tie the game. This is where style counts.
England fields some of the most recognizable players in the world. They make millions of dollars starring at some of the biggest clubs on Earth. Based on the evidence of Monday evening, many of them are frauds.
They spent more than an hour running heedlessly to nowhere. They dominated possession, but not play. All the best chances after the three scores were the result of Icelandic counters. This was England pantomiming at soccer. Iceland easily fended them off.
As things went from worse to much worse than that, the English could not make the slightest change in their approach. Spurs striker Harry Kane continued to take the free kicks, despite spraying them around all evening as if he was trying to distribute souvenir balls to friends sitting in the stands. Where was the manager during all this? Presumably writing his speech.
Among all these world-beaters, who was the most dangerous looking English player? Eighteen-year-old Marcus Rashford. He came on with three minutes left.
On the basis of all those factors, this is the most notable collapse since Brazil pooched it at home to Germany in the 2014 World Cup.
That loss prompted rage and national mourning. Brazil rid itself of most of the men who played that night. They have functionally started over.
England won't do that. Its single talent as a soccer country is self-delusion. This wasn't a failure. It was a step in the process. Time to put your faith in youth. Believe you can be better. Trust the small glimmers. They beat Wales, didn't they?
"The future is bright," Wayne Rooney said after the match.
Yes, he was talking about soccer as opposed to whenever the sun is due to explode. And no, he has no plans to retire.
As ever, nothing will change. England will toddle on, ignoring the evidence of facts, expecting things to get better without ever having done the work to make them so.
One might draw an unkind comparison between the English soccer mindset and their current political predicament. But there's no need. The team is providing those jokes in audio-visual format.
Cathal Kelly