Another year, another attempt to make “Cowboy Baked Bean” chips happen. In 2013, the good people at Lay’s launched the Canadian version of their Do Us A Flavour! contest, a noble attempt to force our promiscuous palates to declare faithfulness to a national food other than “um … tourtière?” Since then, millions of would-be snack scientists have submitted chip flavour ideas inspired by various regions of the country.
Previous years have wrought everything from “Maple Moose” to “Cinnamon Bun” (described to me variously as “upsetting,” “fine,” and “a hate crime against people with mouths”). Each round’s final four are chosen by what Lay’s calls “a qualified panel of judges,” according to an exacting criteria. Thirty per cent of the points are awarded for originality and creativity. Another 30 per cent consider “potential for delicious flavour … in the designated chip style (Original, Wavy and/or Kettle Cooked)” and a big 40 per cent are a hat tip to “simple, straightforward and fun flavour.”
After that, it’s you – the average Canadian – that chooses the ultimate winner. Voting closes Wednesday and the winning flavour creator will get $50,000 and one per cent of total sales. This year, the aforementioned cowboy baked beans vie against “Butter Chicken,” “P.E.I. Scalloped Potatoes,” and “Montreal Smoked Meat.” Those flavours are okay, I guess, but these just seem a little more … Canadian.
Montreal Ashtray
For when you want to feel as if you’re 18 and have been up all night drinking and talking about possibly going to a strip club. These chips taste like spilled draft beer, Accord ash and sticky poutine fingers. Je me souviens, indeed.
Sudbury Tim Hortons Cream Packet
How Canadian could any flavour story be without Tim Horton as a character? A familiar texture (the satisfying crunch of chips) meets a classic flavour (thick, room-temperature cream) in a new favourite. Just crack a bag, put up your feet and think about Sudbury.
Mmmmm … Sudbury.
The Inside of Your Scarf When It’s Been Over Your Mouth for a Long Walk in the Halifax Winter
You know, that sour, hot smell that comes from your stale breath mixing into the wet fibres of your favourite scarf over the course of several cruel maritime months. With tasting notes of unwashed wool and coffee breath, these chips come predampened by an in-factory fog system. Best served chilled.
Hangover-cure Caesar on a Winnipeg Morning
We all know that the Canadian take on the Bloody Mary is more delicious, for reasons that inexplicably seem to amount to “clam juice.” We also know that Canadian beer is stronger than American beer, which is no coincidence. A Canadian beer hangover is mighty and can only be treated with some hair of the Canadian dog. This chip tastes like Clamato, Worcestershire sauce, salt, pepper and regret.
Vancouver’s distaste for Toronto
Very bitter.