Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Lynn Coady.
A reader writes: My boyfriend is of the mindset that he does not have to do anything romantic, pay attention to me or be inquisitive about my day in order to ensure we have a healthy intimate life. He never compliments me, talks 100 per cent about his work, forgets important things - like the fact I am having hospital tests - yet expects me to be hot for him. He recently told me that if we were intimate more often - say three or four times a week - he would do all of the above. So after several months of me making an effort, one day he bought me flowers and was angry that I was ill with flu and he didn't get what he wanted. Is it time for me to upgrade?
The hearth is cold
Your question suggests that this relationship is a commodity - we look for upgrades in cars and phones. Your boyfriend wants a sexual relationship and you want him to pay attention to you. Both not unreasonable wants. Bartering hasn't worked - if you do this for me, Iwill do the other for you. A more fundamental process needs to take place. Building a relationship requires generous helpings of communication, patience and generosity. And then commitment may emerge. The spark that can ignite often is what you refer to as "a healthy intimate life," but the spark fizzles when the coals are not within reach of the hearth.
- J O'Brien, Toronto
Face the truth
You know the answer to your own question. He is a lout. But you will "upgrade" to exactly the same type of guy unless you get these truths from your head to your heart. Stay on and be his little acquiescent girl, or move forward to a more rewarding, caring relationship.
- Eric Hunter, Alert Bay, B.C.
Explain rationally
I hear so many of my friends sit idly by as their boyfriends forget birthdays. These same friends don't say anything to "anger the beast," as I put it.
It is often these same men who ask, "Why is she mad at me all the time?" Which leads me to believe you are not being clear. Men need rational explanations to understand "cause and effect" in their
relationships. A "roll of the eye" or sigh of anger do not good communication make. Next time you are having a good day with your boyfriend, rationally tell him that his inaction makes you upset because you feel that you try very hard to meet his needs and he comes across as not wanting to meet yours. If he is a good man, he will hear you. If he doesn't, you know what to do.
- Jenn Mansell, Calgary
The Final Word
It is sometimes tempting, in these pages, to throw my weight around. Why should the online comments section get to have all the fun, slinging personal insults and offering aggressively carefree nuggets of wisdom like "Don't be so stupid!" and "Sack up!"
I'd be lying if I said the rhetorical back-of-my-hand does not occasionally strike me as the simplest and - dare I say- most fun approach to advice-dispensing.
I forbear. I forbear because I know how easy it is to dismiss another person's problems when one isn't suffering them oneself.
But I have two things to say, after giving your case as much thought and compassion as I could muster: Don't be so stupid, and sack up.
Surely you must know, on some level, that a man who doesn't care if you're having hospital tests (when sex is taking place, say, a couple of times a month) won't ever care, no matter how much sex you're having - except to wonder why he doesn't happen to be having sex at that moment.
You can, as Jenn suggests, attempt to communicate your needs all the livelong day, but a guy who gets angry because you are too ill to have sex - even after he brought you flowers! - is not worth the expenditure of breath.
Eric nails it: He is a lout.
Bartering, as J observes, hasn't worked. In fact, you are a fool to waste your time even bartering with this man.
Do you barter with the
street person who tries to sell you the half-eaten block of cheddar he's been keeping warm in his coat pocket? No. Well, what if he gives you flowers? No - because it's still a half-eaten block of cheddar from some guy's pocket. What if he promises to tell you how pretty you are? No - is this sinking in?
No matter how you slice it, it's a lousy deal. You end up with a boyfriend who is about as interested in you as he is in the women on youPorn, but, if you're nice, will sometimes bring you carnations from the 7-11, if he remembers.
Upgrade, by all means.
Lynn Coady is the award-winning author of the novels Strange Heaven and Mean Boy, with another one currently in the oven.
Next week's question
My husband's 21-year-old daughter is returning from another country, pregnant, with a man she has no plans to marry. Neither has any prospects here, and my husband has offered them our finished basement while she has the baby. I reluctantly agreed. My husband once said that if he had to choose between us he would choose his daughter. She and I never really got along; I found her lazy and disorganized. I feel this will mess up my retirement plans and possibly my marriage. I want to embrace the situation, but I feel resentful. My friends and family say don't do it, but it's a done deal. What should I do?
Let's hear from you
Do you have an answer to this question, or a dilemma of your own that you'd like readers to help solve? Weigh in at grouptherapy@globeandmail.com.