The question: Most guys wish they could last longer, but with me it’s the opposite. I’ve lost partners over the fact that it always takes me a really, really long time to achieve orgasm. What’s a guy to do when he “takes forever”?
Dear Takes Forever,
It is important to keep in mind that a sense of "normal" is entirely singular; delayed orgasm is a call you are making as it is running interference in your sex life. Your first step: If you have not consulted a doctor - at least not recently - it is time to do so. There are a number of questions to ask yourself to determine whether this is a physiological or a psychological issue - or, more likely, both. (And yes, let's dim the lights in this examination room; it's a little Marathon Man.)
The Mayo Clinic’s website attributes delayed ejaculation to a number of possible sources. Physical factors can include medications (particularly antidepressants such as Zoloft and Prozac), as well as any operations, injuries, infections or birth defects that may be impeding your performance.
When I ask Cory Silverberg, certified sexuality educator and sexuality guide for About.com, about the psychological side of delayed orgasm, he responds: "This is a common issue. Most men have this experience at some point." Yes, those noxious emissions of modern living, stress and fatigue, can be factors - as can that killjoy of the bedroom, performance anxiety - but, at a more subterranean level, issues of self-worth and attraction may also be at play. Mr. Silverberg asks: "What are the messages you grew up with? Do you have a sense you aren't worthy of pleasure? No doubt, people withhold from themselves."
Alongside your self-study, there are a couple of temporary measures you can take. Ducky DooLittle, in her book Sex with the Lights On, makes two excellent suggestions: pillows for comfort and a thick water-based lubricant, which "can cut down on friction and make longer bouts of intercourse a lot more pleasurable."
Of course these are balms. What matters most is the transparency you exhibit with your partners - and with yourself. As you have made clear with your paramours: Just as a lover is not responsible for the other's happiness, she is not responsible for the other's orgasm. People come with instructions: their own.
Claudia Dey is the author of How to Be a Bush Pilot: A Field Guide to Getting Luckier (claudiadey.com).