The blogs have been buzzing about an alleged script leak from Sex and the City 2, now shooting in New York. Samantha appears to be taking testosterone to juice up her aging libido. Just how far into the geriatric future can they take this film franchise?
But wait, they've just reported a new leak! Spoiler alert: This one's really Big!
INT. A CRAMPED MIAMI BEACH CONDO - DAY
Carrie Bradshaw (82) sits in bed typing on her laptop and chain-smoking. The room is a disaster, every surface covered with clothes, bags and collection-agency notices. As the camera closes in on our heroine, we see that she is wearing a familiar but ragged white dress. Yes, it's the Vivienne Westwood gown she wore to her first wedding.
CARRIE On the heel-chewing sidewalk of life, there have been many important lessons. Some involved Cosmos, others involved dildos. But the big one involved a rich commitmentphobe who frittered away my fertile years, jilted me and then married me, only to lose his money, spend all of mine and leave me for a string of tanorexic models in between.
Carrie lights another smoke, takes a long haul and types on.
CARRIE Not that I care because I am COMPLETELY OVER HIM and why shouldn't I be? I am Carrie Bradshaw. Which brings me to my final lesson: rhetorical questions. They make everything sound deep and philosophical. So is it possible to be a label queen and a literary icon at the same time? If 80 is the new 60, is dead the new 80? Are Manolo orthotics the new Rockports -
Her cellphone rings and she irritably picks it up.
CARRIE Look, honey, I already told you I can't come to Aquafit; I'm writing my blog for the Coconut Grove Assisted Living -
She is cut off by the sound of a deep and familiar voice.
BIG Hey, kid.
Carrie is dumbstruck.
CARRIE But I - but you - but we -
BIG I'm back in town.
CARRIE I never want to see you again, Big. Not after last time.
BIG The thing on the Air Malaysia flight? That was a mistake. I thought he was a woman. ( Pause. ) Aw, c'mon. I came all the way from a desert island just to see you.
CARRIE (softening) Really?
BIG I'm also having my hip replaced Thursday. So how 'bout a drink for old time's sake?
Carrie hesitates, then stiffens with resolve.
CARRIE Not this time.
INT. MIAMI DAYS INN - NIGHT
Carrie and Big roll around in bed. After a while, they both give up in exhausted frustration. Carrie lights a cigarette.
CARRIE (staring at the ceiling) Do you think I should have chosen my face?
BIG (confused) Instead of what?
CARRIE My ass. You know the French say every woman has to choose between her face and her ass and 50 years ago I chose my ass. (Pause.) Now I'm starting to think that maybe it wasn't such a good idea.
BIG But I like your ass.
CARRIE Have you actually looked at it lately?
Big checks under the covers.
BIG I don't see anything.
CARRIE That's because I don't have one.
BIG Listen, kid, I was thinking. Once this operation's over, maybe you and me could try being an old married couple. You know I can't live without you. Whaddya say?
He chucks her under the chin. Carrie looks tempted.
INT. COCONUT GROVE ASSISTED LIVING RETIREMENT COMMUNITY LOUNGE - DAYS LATER
Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte (80s) sit around a card table. Samantha is being fed a blenderized steak and vodka through a straw by hunky caregiver Pedro (23).
CHARLOTTE (reading the paper) Oooh, look! Aerin Lauder died. The church was filled with calla lilies, and the family is accepting donations to the Bunion Post-Surgical Recovery Centre and Spa. Isn't that lovely?
Miranda sits up, suddenly remembering something.
MIRANDA Crap! Has anyone seen my phone? I forgot to tell Steve he can forget about poker tonight because Magda's off sick and Brady has piano.
CHARLOTTE Oh, honey, we've been over this a hundred times. Brady's all grown up now, don't you remember?
MIRANDA (confused) But I have to work and Steve's at the bar -
SAMANTHA (spitting out her straw) Actually, Steve left you for a Hooter's girl 25 years ago, right after Brady joined that cult.
CHARLOTTE (to Miranda) It's called a yoga retreat. Don't even listen to her. She's been cranky since the hysterectomy.
Carrie walks in carrying a dozen shopping bags. She goes around the table kissing the girls hello.
CARRIE Sorry I'm late. There was a sale on Ashley Olsen at the outlet mall.
MIRANDA (lucid again) I thought you were on a shopping diet.
CARRIE I am - I just -
She starts to beam maniacally.
CHARLOTTE Honey, what is it?
SAMANTHA C'mon, spit it out.
CARRIE Don't get mad. Say you won't get mad.
The girls roll their eyes - they've been through it a thousand times before.
SAMANTHA So what's he doing here? I thought his accountant said he could never leave Grand Cayman.
CHARLOTTE All my money's there!
CARRIE That's what I thought too, but apparently he's back. And guess what? He wants me to fly back with him tonight. He says he can't live without me.
CHARLOTTE Oooh, that's so romantic!
Miranda and Samantha frown.
CARRIE And I needed something to wear - even if it did mean committing credit-card fraud.
She holds up a receipt and passes it around.
CHARLOTTE Hey wait, that's my signature!
Carrie looks sheepish. Charlotte softens and gives her a hug.
CHARLOTTE What are rich, naive girlfriends for, right?
MIRANDA (skeptical) Remember the last time he dumped you? He abandoned you in Mexico and you spent three weeks in bed with a bottle of tequila.
CARRIE I was thirsty.
MIRANDA Or the time you gave him your bone marrow and he dumped you for the night nurse?
CARRIE That's all behind us now. Things are different.
CHARLOTTE (to Samantha and Miranda) Can't you guys see they're meant for each other? Like in Shakespeare ... or any movie starring Kate Hudson. True love conquers all! ( Pause .) Where's he meeting you?
CARRIE The Florida Flapjack House. Early bird special.
CHARLOTTE (wrinkling her nose) I take that back.
Carrie beams obliviously.
INT. FLORIDA FLAPJACK HOUSE - EVENING
Carrie sits in a booth drinking a martini. The scene fades in and out, indicating passage of time. Empty glasses collect and the ashtray overflows. By the end she looks dismal: Big has abandoned her once again.
INT. COCONUT GROVE ASSISTED LIVING RETIREMENT COMMUNITY LOUNGE - DAY
Carrie sobs into a bowl of untouched rice pudding as the girls gather around consoling her.
CHARLOTTE What's that saying? 'Tis better to have married and divorced than never married at all?
MIRANDA I can call Steve's bouncer to rough him up.
SAMANTHA (smiling slyly) Oh, I think we can do better than that, can't we girls? ( She motions to Pedro. ) Pedro darling, judging by your skill with bedpans, I assume you've got a strong stomach?
EXT. FLORIDA SWAMP - NIGHT
The Coconut Grove Assisted Living Retirement Community van idles in the middle of a mangrove swamp. In the glow from the headlights, Charlotte, Miranda and Pedro pull a body bag from the van and hoist it into the muck. It sinks as Carrie and Samantha look on in satisfaction.
SAMANTHA Don't you just love the sight of a stiff at the end of a long night?
Carrie takes a drag off her cigarette as a smile spreads across her wizened face.
CARRIE Life doesn't always turn out to be a fairy tale in the end. In fact, most things shrivel up and head south. That's why you need your girlfriends to get you through it all.
FADE OUT