Archie dumps Betty for Veronica: The mean girl gets her guy.
1. Leave the horse alone
January saw the 1972 classic The Joy of Sex revised: New author and sexologist Susan Quilliam mercifully did away with sex atop galloping horses and moving motorcycles. In their place, the new edition clarified teledildonics and the delicate task of finding the A, G and U spots. And, unlike the hedonistic original, this version addressed the perils of pick-up artists, STDs and Web infidelity.
2. Never underestimate the biatch
After four decades of foreplay, Archie Andrews wed fiery-tempered, raven-haired Veronica Lodge in the summer. The move devastated Betty Cooper and hordes of aging comic book fans, mostly because the devoted blonde had always been the shoo-in. Apparently being cruel, materialistic and domestically challenged can win out in the end.
3. Babies love film crews … or do they?
Jon & Kate Plus 8 - or the great baby tug-of-war of 2009 - came to an end after five seasons. The episode announcing the couple's separation pulled in 10.6 million rabid viewers. Crying abuse from wife Kate, Jon Gosselin took up with Hailey Glassman, the bong-loving daughter of a surgeon who'd given Kate a tummy tuck. The people want more and the exes continue dominating tabloid headlines.
4. Trashy reality TV show is not an olive branch
Dumped by husband Dean McDermott, who left her for Hollywood heiress Tori Spelling, Canadian cooking show host Mary Jo Eustace was invited to star in a reality TV show about aging, single women. Her producers would be none other than her ex and his new bug-eyed wife. Ms. Eustace wisely declined.
5. Always have someone creepier around if you're doing creepy things
Facing a bizarre $2-million extortion plot, David Letterman took the wheel, fessing up on air to office dalliances in what may have been the most squirm-inducing 10 minutes on television in 2009. The revelation came seven months after the Late Show host married Regina Lasko - the two had dated for 23 years. Still, the scandal faded quickly and Mr. Letterman's making Tiger jokes.
6. Leave your aide out of it
After sleeping around with YouTube maven and campaign worker Rielle Hunter, former U.S. senator John Edwards allegedly opted to have his aide sop up the mess. Andrew Young issued a statement claiming he fathered Ms. Hunter's unborn child, but later retracted the claim and penned a tell-all. Baby Frances Quinn is looking a lot like Mr. Edwards lately.
7. Appalachian hiking = certain doom
Disappearing for nearly a week in June, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford had his staff tell reporters he was enjoying a vigorous hike on the Appalachian Trail. It was only partly true: Mr. Sanford had been cavorting with his mistress/soulmate Maria Belen Chapur in Argentina. A tearful, rambling news conference would not save him - wife Jenny is out the door.
8. When in robes, beware the beach
The aptly named Alberto Cutie, a priest who once earned the nickname "Father Oprah" for his relationship advice, was stripped of his parish after a Mexican tabloid spotted him canoodling with a woman on a Florida beach. Mr. Cutie left the Catholic church, became Episcopalian and married the woman, long-time girlfriend Ruhama Buni Canellis, a licensed facial specialist and "body wrapper."
9. Always check for mobile devices
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was probably too giddy with anticipation to contemplate cellphone technology as he barked orders at the escort spending the evening with him at his opulent residence in Rome. The call girl snapped photos in the PM's bathroom and was then instructed to shower and wait in "Putin's bed," a four-poster apparently from Vladimir.
10. Caught with your pants down?
Fess up Ambien-fuelled sex, church parking lots, endless sexts, porn stars, a diner waitress and a slowly crashing Escalade all proved to be Tiger Woods' undoing. Through it all, the golf god stressed the supremacy of his privacy. The farce reached its height as Mr. Woods' people tried to conceal the name emblazoned on his luxury yacht - Privacy. With billions in the hole for his shareholders, now might be the time for that Oprah confessional.
Zosia Bielski