It's Earth Day tomorrow. What's with that? Does the Earth get a day off? Does it get any presents? Fat chance. All it gets is a bunch of second-generation flower children throwing alcohol-free parties in its honour. Gee, thanks.
Anyway, to celebrate the planet's big day, we hereby declare that this column is going carbon neutral. All the big companies are doing it -- even Rupert Murdoch's News Corp., and given all the toxic emissions the Fox News channel spews into the atmosphere, that's one hell of a commitment to stop climate change.
Let's begin by stating categorically that we are not going carbon neutral to "greenwash" the public. This is not about our PR image -- it's about stopping global warming, period. Don't be so cynical.
Let's also make it clear: We're not going to cut down on our own emissions or actually stop doing anything. We're going to be offsetting. Here's how it will work:
We prefer not to walk around Beck Mansions looking like Michael Jackson with an iron deficiency at the local pub's weekly Goth Night. We will therefore give our next door neighbour $5 to put those twirly energy-saving florescent bulbs all over his house instead. And when Ontario carries out its threat to make them mandatory in 2012, we will relocate to Quebec in a hybrid moving van.
We will start up our air conditioning this weekend and keep it on full blast until October, but will plant a CO{-2}-slurping Japanese maple in the front yard.
Since our iPod battery needs a 12-hour recharge for every 10 minutes of operation, we will blow really hard every time we drive past a wind turbine.
We will continue to drive our Hummer to the corner store, but will now respectfully refrain from giving the finger to cyclists who yell at us when we cut them off.
We will still curse every time it costs $90 to refill said SUV, but will conserve water in the gas station's washroom by not flushing.
We will almost certainly leave our four big-screen plasma TVs on when we're out of the house, but will make sure they are all tuned to The Nature of Things reruns.
Finally, a message to our fellow carbon offsetters: What's with the planting forests in British Columbia thing? That's like planting condo towers in Toronto. B.C. has trees already. If you want to plant a tree, try the Toronto waterfront, which hasn't played host to flora since the last ice age.
BlackBerry withdrawal
This week's BlackBerry outage by the numbers:
185 million: Estimated number of e-mails that didn't go through.
21,346: Number of additional babies that will be born in North American hospitals in nine months time.
506: Number of new clients added in 24 hours by just one Ottawa psychiatrist's practice.
Two million: Number of awkward conversations parents were forced to have with their children.
Six billion: Number of faxes received at corporate offices asking: "Would you like to enhance your manhood?"
Don't count on CPP
You know how fond we are of those self-satisfied couples in the mutual fund commercials. You know, the ones who grin smugly at each other when their financial adviser tells them they can buy a Tuscan estate, send their five children to Harvard and retire early. Here's a secret: They aren't going to be relying on their government pension.
We don't blame them. The Canada Pension Plan Investment Board -- that's the men in suits who take a chunk out of your paycheque and promise to give it back with benefits when you retire -- seem set to spend your hard-earned dollars on buying a big whack of BCE.
It was learned this week that the CPP's investment arm is leading the group that wants to pay at least $32-billion for the sluggish, underperforming telco. To be fair, the body is sharing some of the risk with everyone's favourite Wall Street barbarians, Kohlberg Kravis Roberts.
But surely there must be more secure ways to invest the public's money. Like buying Nortel, playing Roll Up the Rim, or renting out condo units on Second Life.
The World Bank and Wolfie
Hi! Paul Wolfowitz has added you as a friend on facebook.com.!
After you register, you'll see that Paul's interests include "hip-hop and techno," "long walks in the countryside," "hangin' with the crew" and "assuring America's strategic interests abroad through the unilateral use of military force."
You'll also notice a long list of Paul's other friends, such as George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and his special lady friend Shaha Ali Riza (hey Shaha my main girl, a big shout out from 'da neo-con homies at State!)
Unfortunately, although Paul has many friends, none of them work at the World Bank. This is why Paul has asked you and several million other anonymous members of the public to join facebook and give him your help.
You see, his enemies at the World Bank, who are mad at him over some crazy stuff in the past like invading Iraq and dissing the French, are now trying to get him fired for leaning on Shaha's bosses to give her a nice promotion and a hefty pay raise. So show Paul you care by telling everyone you know to text-message the posse on the World Bank board, telling them not to fire him next week.
The future of economic development in Third World nations is in your hands, dig?
The week by numbers
2.8
The percentage surge in demand for gasoline in the United States since
daylight saving time was
brought forward three weeks
to March 11 to conserve energy.
27
The percentage increase in the
first quarter in the average
price of a home in the red-hot Saskatoon market.
25
The likely percentage increase
in unemployment if Canada
were to implement its Kyoto commitments, according
to the Conservative government.
SOURCE: U.S. ENERGY DEPARTMENT