I'm a creature of habit. Each year I've cast a scornful eye on the practice of driving slowly in the passing or middle lane. It's a terrible move. Those who clog up the passing lane are inconsiderate and dangerous. If you want to chill out then get in the right lane. There are names for the drivers who do this. Left lane hogs. Middle lane morons. You can also call them horrible, horrible people.
This year, however, it's going to be different. What could possibly be gained by once again imploring drivers everywhere to stop clogging up the passing lanes of our great country like so much soggy, clumped-up toilet paper? I'm going to break with tradition.
Sure, I could tell people that driving slowly in the passing lane is a clear violation of section 147 of the Ontario Highway Traffic Act, which clearly states that on a highway with more than two lanes running in the same direction, the slow traffic is to occupy the right lane.
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But who doesn't know that? You'd have to be particularly ignorant. It requires superhuman dedication to believe it's okay to be a left lane hog. Even people who think the world is flat or those who believe you're better off experiencing polio "naturally" than having the vaccine know you should only use the passing lane to pass. It's that rudimentary.
Driving slow in the passing lane is wrong. It's marry-your-sister wrong. It's stick-your-tongue-on-a-cold-steel-post-in-January wrong. What's more to say? True, I could tell readers that Rhode Island lawmakers are trying to pass a bill that will make it illegal to occupy the left lane unless you are passing another vehicle. Portsmouth Democratic Representative Dennis Canario (the man behind the bill) says it will stop slowpokes from "lallygagging in the high-speed lane." I could tell them that five other states, including New Jersey and Florida, have increased fines for left lane hogs and that legislation just passed by the Oregon Senate will require drivers to use the left lane exclusively for passing other vehicles. Offenders could be fined $110 (U.S.). It could make a difference, but who knows?
In the past I've suggested novel approaches to curbing the practice:
- Fire cruise missiles at left lane hogs
- Create a time machine. Next, travel back in time to prevent their conception. I firmly believe that if you interrupted their parents in coitus and told them what their left lane hog offspring would do, they would lose amorous interest.
It may be these are too extreme for mainstream endorsement. I could come up with more realistic alternatives to eliminate left lane hogging. For instance:
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- In order to reach millennials, we could create bumper stickers – à la The Scarlet Letter. These could read “Left Lane” followed by the poop emoji.
- We could feed them to raccoons (raccoons will eat anything).
What I'm trying to say is yes – yes I could dedicate a whole column to left lane hogs and middle lane morons. But, perhaps, it's best to move on. It may be time to accept some sins will never disappear. Some behaviours are so ingrained that no amount of education can stem their spread. It's hard to accept defeat but sometimes we must.
Maybe next year.
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