It is so easy to make fun of CBC's The Greatest Canadian. Here in the TV Cranny, we've been doing it for months. So let's get back to it.
Following a careful count of nominations in the Most Irritating Canadian (television-related) contest over the past few months, the current Top 10 can now be announced. Keep in mind that this MIC (television-related) list represents the voices and opinions of ordinary Canadians. So far, no celebrities have stepped forward and volunteered to promote one candidate or the other. No cool dudes from MuchMusic have offered to endorse a candidate. Rex Murphy has not been in touch.
Also, of course, you have to put up with me as your in-print emcee. Wendy Mesley is not going to show up here to smile and gush about the sheer, unadulterated horror that is embodied by the nominees. I mean, she might if I asked nicely, but she's probably got a contract with CBC or something. Besides, she's too nice to indulge in comments about irritating Canadians on TV. I once had a very nice conversation with Wendy Mesley, which only goes to show you, doesn't it?
This MIC (television-related) list is the work of citizens from the People's Republic of Globe Readers (PROGS) and, as such, is a true and fair representation. It is only the tip of the iceberg, of course, because there are many, many people who drive PROGS stark, staring, screaming mad. I have no problem in declaring, here and now, that MIC (television-related) is bigger than the Gemini Awards.
Right now, the lineup in the Most Irritating Canadian (television-related) competition looks like this: 1) The Canadian Tire Guy; 2) Ben Mulroney; 3) Cheryl Hickey; 4) Gordon Pape; 5) Paul Martin; 6) Jian Ghomeshi; 7) Everybody in the Ultramatic bed commercial; 8) Ralph Klein; 9) Tanya Kim; 10) Don Cherry.
The Canadian Tire guy surged back into the top position because, as everybody knows, he has now started to wander the streets, bothering people and extolling the virtues of gadgets and gewgaws sold at Canadian Tire. He jaws on and on, and only the fact that his victims are being paid to participate stops them from running away screaming. Ben Mulroney, God bless him, has faded slightly in the running since the most recent Canadian Idol ended. According to sources, he is also irritated to be included in the MIC (television-related) list. That, of course, only encourages people.
Cheryl Hickey has an exclusive contract with Global as a network entertainment host/anchor. This is excellent news. She's only appearing on Global. Her insane peppiness about 10th-rate American entertainment crap and her self-conscious I'm-a-babe-on-Global routine will not appear anywhere else. Gordon Pape's endless CHIP reverse-mortgage commercials are the most hideous incarnation of advertising on Canadian television since the legendary "It's Patrick . . ." commercials. Paul Martin is what he is. Look up "disappointment" in the dictionary, and there's his picture. Jian Ghomeshi really annoys people. The vitriol that has been sent to TV Cranny about him is now being used in a handbook about obscenity issued to aspiring journalists. The Cranny has heard from people who found him irritating 15 years ago.
The Ultramatic bed commercial, which seems to exist only on CBC Newsworld, is so amateurish it's clearly part of a plot by private broadcasters to drive people away from the public broadcaster. Ralph Klein needs more fibre in his diet. Tanya Kim irritates entire families including, in one instance, a grandmother. That's just not right. Don Cherry's claim to be humbled by his inclusion in CBC's preposterous Greatest Canadian list has only increased irritation with him.
That's the list. You are invited to pump up the volume for one candidate or another. New entries will only be accepted in extraordinary circumstances, if somebody is really, really funny about a new contender, or if I feel like it.
Oh come on. Don Cherry ended up on the CBC's Greatest Canadian Top 10. MIC (television-related) has more integrity than that thing.
Airing Tonight: The Canadian Urban Music Awards (CBC, 8 p.m.) goes on for two hours. Many of you will not have heard of the nominees, winners and performers. Some might say that's because CBC doesn't exactly go out of its way to promote "urban" music all year long. Not that anybody is going to say that tonight. Master T and Jully Black are the hosts.
Without a Trace (CBS, Global, 10 p.m.) took a while to evolve and develop as a drama, but the show is now one of the best on network TV. It's gloomy, unpredictable and peculiar. Tonight's episode travels close to the centre of TV-propelled popular culture in the U.S. right now. The winner of a surgical makeover show disappears, just after she has been transformed and is supposed to be publicizing the makeover show.
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