I keep declining work events because of my social anxiety. Is it affecting future promotions?

The question

I recently joined a new team that mostly works remotely, but they meet in person once or twice a month for optional social events such as a bar night or mini putt. This is the furthest thing from my idea of fun. I’m the only one on my team to consistently opt out and I’m worried it’s affecting my ability to get promoted. Is it worth overcoming my social anxiety to attend these events? Or are there other ways I can make up for my absence?

The first answer

Madhavi Kulkarni, director of people operations and culture, Zenfolio, Brampton, Ont.

Congrats. Joining a new team remotely is always nerve-wracking and you should take your time to learn all about the team. It does not mean you need to do something outside work hours that makes you anxious or nervous, as that will certainly affect your performance. It is okay if you opt out of the social events – they are optional for a reason.

I recommend speaking to your manager to ensure that opting out of social events is not affecting your chances of promotion. Your absence at these events should not affect your growth options within the organization, but talking about it will ensure your manager is aware and has your back.

You can also recommend alternate solutions to bar nights or mini putt (these activities have been proven to be exclusionary and biased against people of colour, parents, neurodivergent folk, immigrants, refugees and people with disabilities). If you are doing so for reasons other than social anxiety (such as childcare or caretaking responsibilities), you can recommend meetups during the day (such as a lunch and learn) and activities that are not exclusionary.

Another option is to join employee resource groups where you connect with like-minded people. You can arrange for meetups to find activities that appeal to the entire group, like board game enthusiasts, crossword fans, book readers or parents. You may need to take ownership of these activities, giving you the opportunity to showcase skills not necessarily seen at work.

Find ways in which you can connect while being proud of your choices. It is not needed for you to change yourself to thrive in the workplace.

The second answer

Candy Ho, board chair, CERIC, Vancouver

Your concern about missing out on opportunities and potential impacts on your career advancement is valid. However, it’s essential to strike a balance between pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and taking care of your mental well-being.

I’d like to offer some considerations to help navigate this situation:

1. Assess the company culture: Are these gatherings explicitly linked to promotions or performance evaluations? If not, missing them might not directly impact your career growth. If you have one-on-one meetings with your supervisor and you have a positive working relationship with them, use the opportunity to ask: How important is it to participate in these events?
2. Communicate your preferences: If you have a good rapport with your team leader or manager, consider discussing your social anxiety with them. Explain that while you value team cohesion and camaraderie, attending large social events might be overwhelming for you. They may be understanding and offer alternative ways for you to contribute.
3. Attend select events: Making an effort to participate in some gatherings can help you strike a balance between your well-being and team integration. Consider attending smaller, more intimate events that feel less intimidating.
4. Seek alternative team-building activities: Suggest other activities that suit your preferences better. It could be a virtual game night or a team project where you can collaborate remotely.
5. Work on managing social anxiety: If social anxiety is significantly affecting your personal and professional life, consider seeking support through counselling or therapy. Learning coping strategies and developing confidence in social situations can be beneficial in the long run.

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