A GMC Yukon, parked directly over the line dividing two spaces.Andrew Clark/The Globe and Mail
Dear Mr. GMC Yukon.
I have just one question. What’s your secret?
How does someone circle through a crowded parking lot, find two empty spots and then park their behemoth SUV in the middle, thereby occupying both?
That takes a special certain something. What are the words I’m looking for?
Self-actualization?
Initiative?
Entitlement?
Chuztpah?
Arrogant?
Greedy?
Moral bankruptcy?
It’s a busy time of year. People are out taking care of errands. Some are preparing for the holidays. On this particular day, there were no open parking spaces. Desperate drivers roamed the lot hoping to find one. Instead, however, they were treated to the sight of your GMC Yukon smugly holding down two spots.
Were you not worried, when you parked in two spots, that someone might call you out? Was there no hesitation? Were you not afraid someone might yell at you? Someone might scream:
“What are you doing?”
“Hey! Who do you think you are?”
“What is wrong with you? Have you no shame?”
Were you not concerned that a fellow motorist might have gotten a little passive-aggressive and said, “Hi, sorry if I am getting this wrong. I’m not sure if you noticed, but I think you parked in two spaces by accident. It would have to be by accident because no decent person would knowingly hog two parking spaces when they should occupy just one.”
It’s not the first time I’ve encountered this phenomenon. I once wrote to a BMW owner who took two spots. Yet, to encounter it on a cold December morning, when there are no open parking spaces to be had, makes your space-hogging move stand out. It’s one thing to take two spots if there are plenty to be had. I get that some people want to protect their cars from dents. It’s okay to find two spots in a remote part of the lot and use them, provided there is ample space for others.
It’s an entirely different scenario when there are no spaces, when the parking lot is full, and you take two. That’s impertinence taken to sublime heights. That’s an ill-mannered triumph worthy of Hercules.
Who are you?
Are you a disciple of the best-selling self-help book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F@ck?”
Have you considered penning your own book? You could call it “My Way: How One GMC Driver Broke All the Rules of Common Decency.” You could make a viral video called “Two Spots. One GMC.”
I hope you don’t mind, but I took a picture of your masterpiece. I’m going to print it in vivid colour and pin it above my desk so I can look at it always. I will gaze breathlessly at it and say, “He hath taken both these spots. His private interests and lust for space he hath obeyed. And left us to drive abroad and frustrate ourselves. Here was a selfish geezer! When comes such another?”
What was on the agenda for the rest of your day?
Checking 48 items through the eight-items-or-less express lane?
Using your neighbours’ WiFi?
Going to a restaurant, eating half your lunch and then asking for your money back?
Whatever you wound up doing, I’m sure it was immensely satisfying to you and incredibly inconvenient to everyone else.
I want you to know that I’m not mad. I’m impressed.
It’s your world, Mr. GMC Yukon. We’re just living in it. I want you to know that you’ll always occupy two spaces in my heart.
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Andrew Clark