On the road again, they just can’t wait to get on the road again. Thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic, tens of thousands of families are hitting the highway in search of summer holidays. Some are going to cottages, which are in scarce supply. Others are loading into RVs destined for parts unknown.
All are heading into what’s known as a “family trip” – a hellscape so tormented and alienating that Sylvia Plath would have considered it too depressing to write about.
Are you ready?
Take the Family Road Trip Quiz and find out. Buckle up!
1How many minutes after leaving your home – and you reminding every member of the family to use the toilet – will one of your brood declare, “I have to pee?”
A. Fifteen minutes.
B. One hour.
C. Two hours.
D. It's too late. The four-year-old has already peed in her car seat.
2During a rest stop, you realize that your child has been dining upon leftover French fries (discovered under his seat) from a previous trip. You examine one of the fries. How old is it?
A. Who cares how old it is? You surreptitiously discard the fries. Swear the kid to silence and hide the incident from your partner. If you have to hear them go on one more rant about the evils of fast food, the decline of civilization and why it’s wrong to buy peace through Happy Meals, your head will explode. Check on the kid periodically to see if he’s looking wan.
3When your 15-year-old complains about the strength of the cellular signal, which “in-my-day” guilt trip will you throw back at him?
A. “All I had to listen to was one mix CD I made with all the best songs from Scrubs.”
B. “We had no air conditioning. Just sweaty pillows and a box of Archie comics and silence.”
C. “The only thing I had was a portable DVD player with The Lion King, and it skipped every time ‘Hakuna Matata’ came on.”
D. “My father – WHO SMOKED – would tell us to, ‘Look out the window and use your imaginations.’”
E. “My mother would tell us how her parents would give each of their seven children one apple to last an eight-hour journey.”
F. All of the above.
4What is the probability one of your family members will vomit at some point during the road trip?
A. The odds decrease the closer you get to your destination.
B. If they've consumed dairy – 75 per cent.
C. If they've consumed fast food – 85 per cent.
D. If they’ve consumed your favourite food and by vomiting it will make you repulsed by it for the rest of your natural life – 100 per cent.
5Why are recreational vehicles (RVs) the perfect choice for a Summer 2020 Family Road trip?
A. You can set your own schedule.
B. You can live by the beach, by the mountains, by the desert, anywhere you please.
C. You can follow the weather.
D. It's a cost-effective form of family travel.
E. RVs combine all the claustrophobic boredom and anxiety of COVID-19 lockdown with all the frustration and stress of driving.
6At what point during your family road trip will you start to believe you’ve all actually died and are in some kind of purgatory dreamt up by M. Night Shyamalan?
A. After being stuck in traffic for one and half hours, just trying to get out of the city, with eight hours left to go on the journey.
B. After your five-year-old asks “How long until we get there?” and your partner stares out the window blankly and replies in a monotone, “Where are we really anyway? Motion is all just one indivisible, unchanging reality, and any appearance of arrival is an illusion.”
C. Once you get off the highway and get lost in a maze of rural dirt roads.
D. You realize that you loaded “George Street” into your GPS instead of “Saint George Street” and now you’re in Cornwall instead of Gatineau.
E. All of the above.
7How long, after lecturing the entire car about making sure they’ve gone to the toilet and you’re not going “to stop this car” for any reason, can you hold your pee, because telling everyone they should have gone made you think about going and now you have to pee really badly?
A. An hour.
B. Until I pass out.
C. Never. I will wet myself and blame it on somebody else.
D. Twenty-five minutes. I will ask my family if they need to pee until one of them breaks down and says yes and then I will complain about stopping the car.
How did you do?
Answer all of the questions to see your result
Not exactly a road warrior – maybe stay home.
Passable – you can ride shotgun.
Hop in the RV kids! We’re going to the promised land!
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