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road sage

British Columbia has set its sights on drivers who clog the passing lane. The province, which last year raised the speed limit to 120 km/h on many highways, recently announced plans to amend the Motor Vehicle Act to make it easier for police to ticket drivers who slow the flow in the passing lane. Left-lane hogs currently face $109 fine for crawling along while everyone around them falls into fits of despair.

The timing is perfect. Each March, I dedicate a column to my deep, heart-felt, abiding, earnest, steadfast, unalloyed complete and utter hatred of every driver who installs his or her automobile in the passing lane or the middle lane morons who inhabit the centre lane of a three-lane thoroughfare and creep along like a giant, over-grown metallic snail. Perhaps British Columbia's brush with logic may rub off on the rest of our great nation.

But awareness must be raised. Some left-lane hogs aren't aware their behaviour is deviant. You could be a middle-lane moron and not even know it. Regular readers know I'm a caring person – a philanthropist – not in action, of course, but in demeanour. I'm always thinking of helping others. I therefore present an updated "Road Sage Left Lane Hog Quiz." Are you part of the problem? Answer these questions to find out.

1: Complete the following statement: "I like driving 75 km/h in the passing lane because …"

a) "Then I don't have to worry about being popular because I know everyone hates me."

b) "Like vaccines, driving more than 75 km/h can cause significant health issues."

c) "My Dark Lord Satan has instructed me to."

2: Do you consider it your divine right to obstruct the passing lane?

a) Yes. It says right there in the Bible: "Thou shalt block."

b) No. I'm an atheist. My right to clog the passing lane doesn't rest on the existence of god but on a "higher absolute" that allows me to sit there like an enormous festering zit on the face of humanity.

3: Is driving slowly in the passing lane dangerous?

a) While it forces other drivers to make dangerous passes in the right-hand lane I feel secure in my sluggish left-lane-hog paradise. So, I'll say maybe.

b) Dangerous good or dangerous bad?

c) It can lead to aggressive tailgating, which is dangerous, but that's a risk I'm willing to let others take.

4: Why do you park your minivan in the middle lane of a three-lane highway and plod along at 65 km/h?

a) The sound of honking and cursing awakens me from my bourgeois nightmare.

b) Driving is like voting in a federal election. Just park yourself in the middle and let it be everyone else's problem.

c) I like to keep my options open. Cruising in the middle lane allows me to swerve or dart in any direction without warning.

5: How do you feel after you read the following sentence: "On a highway with more than two lanes running in the same direction slow traffic is to occupy the right lane."

a) Confused. How will other drivers be able to pass me on the right?

b) Outraged. The Charter of Rights and Freedoms guarantees "Every citizen of Canada and every person who has the status of a permanent resident of Canada has the right (a) to move to and take up residence in any province; and (b) to pursue the gaining of a livelihood in any province." It's my right to "choose" to "move" into the passing lane and "reside" there at 65 km/h.

c) Sorry, what was that? Didn't hear you. I was busy texting.

Score: If you answered any of these questions sincerely you're probably a left-lane loser. Move your vehicle to the right and everything will be fine.

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