Sex. Cars. Each sells the other.
Since the dawn of driving, these two great forces have leagued together to create civilization's most unbeatable marketing pitch. Drive this car and you will get sex. Drive this car and you will feel sexy. Buy this car and you can have sex in it. Back in the day, when no one worried about anything - let alone the ozone layer - nobody questioned the combination.
Today, however, the automobile and those who employ it are under attack.
We're evil. We're wrecking the earth as we drive to jobs we don't like but have so we can earn money to buy stuff we don't need. If only we could all only go back to the wholesome days of the horse and buggy, so we could watch family members die of typhus and diphtheria. Car-haters will not be happy until GM's next model is called the "Ford Flagellator."
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As a form of penance, there is a growing movement toward making driving as unpleasant and automated as possible. No fun of any kind. After all, it's a little more okay to screw the world up if you don't enjoy yourself while you do it. Drivers can't text or talk on their phones (okay, that makes sense) but now we are being warned of the dangers of flirting while driving. A new study sponsored by Diamond, a British women's insurance company, is trumpeting the perils of concupiscence of the eyes.
That's right - don't flirt and drive.
A survey of 3,000 drivers found that 41 per cent admitted to trying to flirt while motoring. Half the men polled copped to flirting, while a third of the women said they'd batted a few eyelashes while behind the wheel. Of those questioned, 15 per cent said they had crashed their cars because they were distracted by an attractive pedestrian.
The message? Cupid's arrow is a road hazard.
Ian Crowder, a spokesperson for the British auto insurance firm AA, admonished drivers and implored them to forgo their come-hither automobile antics. "When you're behind the wheel you're in charge of a machine that could kill somebody," he said. "If you really want to watch the girls going by, then park up."
Yep, that would work. Whenever you see someone you find good-looking, pull your car over and stare at them. Good plan. That might work in Britain where women do not yet have the right to vote but it would never fly over here in Canada.
Crowder misses the fact that when you're flirting in a car you're moving. That's a big plus. It takes the sting out of being shot down. You just drive away. I once flirted with a woman while driving in Los Angeles. We were both at a stop light. I made eye contact and then she gave me the finger. It wasn't a great (or new) feeling but at least I could leave the scene of my humiliation at 40 km/h. Imagine if I'd made a pass at her on the street? I'd have to walk away from a disgusted American woman giving me the finger, and in L.A. where nobody walks anywhere.
We westerners should not take car-flirting for granted. In some countries the automobile is one of the few places frisky folks can exercise their carnal impulses. In Tehran, according to the news outlet France 24, youngsters on the prowl cruise up and down a street called Iranzamin, in the posh Sa'adat Abad (Little Western Town) neighbourhood. The cars are either all-girl or all-boy, in order to avoid censorship by the Islamic morality police. These would-be lovers flirt and tease, and even exchange phone numbers through the car windows. If the cops turn up, they make like The Dukes of Hazzard.
Only classy vehicles are welcome on Iranzamin. "Young women, they worship the metal," says one interviewee. Flashy Mercedes or SUVs will burn away if approached by "a lesser vehicle."
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Now, I may be an adrenaline junkie living on the edge, but I can't countenance the censoring of flirtation while driving. It goes against nature.
Everyone knows that people are most attractive when viewed from a moving automobile because we only see them for a few brief moments. Those seen through a windscreen are silent; they haven't said anything stupid or offensive yet. The relationship never goes downhill.
So, is flirting while driving dangerous? Probably, but so are a lot of things.
Pretty soon "experts" will be telling us drinking every day to relax is a health hazard. Don't worry, it's only a matter of time before someone forms MAFF (Mothers Against Four-wheeled Flirting) and lobbies to have cars equipped with flirtation safety signals. If you're looking for action, a red flashing light that says "desperate" could be thrown up on your bumper.
Until that grand day, I urge motorists everywhere to exercise their right to freedom of expression. The next time you throw a coquettish glance from the driver's side or a philandering grin into the rear view, don't feel a burning dirty shame. Be proud. Think of those hormone-crazed kids car-pooling in Iran. You're striking a blow for freedom.
Andrew Clark