World Wrestling Entertainment (STAR)
WWE – NYSE
Imagine combining all the things you love about mixed martial arts – broken bones, gaping wounds, traumatic brain injuries – with the theatrics and flamboyant costumes of professional wrestling. Well, dream no more, because the two biggest names in the combat-for-profit business – Ultimate Fighting Championship and World Wrestling Entertainment – are joining forces under one corporate umbrella. The new company will be 51-per-cent-owned by UFC parent Endeavor Group, with WWE shareholders holding the remaining 49 per cent. With one investment, investors will be able to profit from people pretending to beat each other senseless – and people actually beating each other senseless.
Slate Office Real Estate Investment Trust (DOG)
SOT-UN – TSX
So you like “working” from home, huh? It must be sooo convenient to be able to walk the dog and pick up the kids from school whenever you like. Well, you know what’s not convenient? The millions of dollars investors are losing because sluggards like you are too lazy to get off the couch, go to the office and put in an honest day’s work. Last month, office landlord True North Commercial REIT cut its distribution in half amid rising interest rates and falling occupancy levels. This week, Slate Office REIT slashed its payout by 70 per cent, wiping out one-quarter of the REIT’s market value. And it’s all your fault. Now go back to bingeing Netflix or whatever you do all day.
C3.ai (DOG)
AI – NYSE
Business quiz! C3.ai refers to: a) a character in the new blockbuster film, Star Wars: Robots Gone Wild, in which AI-powered machines descend on Fort Lauderdale and do battle with drunken college students; b) a new chatbot developed by Google that uses machine learning to guess what you had for lunch with 99.9-per-cent accuracy; c) a provider of enterprise artificial intelligence software whose shares plunged after short seller Kerrisdale Capital, in a letter to C3.ia’s auditors, alleged that the company has used “highly aggressive accounting to inflate its income statement metrics … and to conceal significant deterioration in its underlying operations,” which C3.ia denied. Answer: c.
Teck Resources (STAR)
TECK-B – TSX
Remember Dr. Evil, the Mike Myers character who wanted to hold the world ransom for the paltry sum of $1-million? Well, meet Dr. Keevil, the chairman emeritus of Teck Resources Ltd. who is refusing to sell the miner for a heck of a lot more than that – US$23.1-billion to be precise. Even as Norman Keevil – whose family controls Teck’s class A super voting shares and who has a doctorate in geophysics – rejected the bid from Switzerland’s Glencore PLC, shares of Canada’s largest diversified miner rose as investors reacted to the offer. “It’s not a matter of price, Canada is not for sale,” Mr. Keevil insisted. It’s not clear whether he was holding his pinky finger up to his lips, Dr. Evil-style, when he said this.
Levi Strauss (DOG)
LEVI – NYSE
For years, Levi Strauss has been selling ripped and distressed jeans. Now, Levi shareholders are the ones feeling ripped and distressed. The shares took their biggest tumble in three years after the clothing maker’s first-quarter earnings dropped 41 per cent and its gross margin fell below expectations, hurt by increased promotional activity to clear excess inventory. Levi’s earnings were also hit by charges tied to severance benefits and discontinued technology projects, even as revenue rose 6 per cent to US$1.7-billion. You might say investors were caught with their pants down.
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John Heinzl