Skip to main content
stars and dogs

A humorous look at the companies that caught our eye, for better or worse, this week

Tesla (Dog)

Elon Musk, the head of Tesla, called the Securities and Exchange Commission the “Shortseller Enrichment Commission” in a tweet on Thursday. Oh boy. That could complicate the executive’s relationship with the SEC, less than a week after Tesla settled allegations that Mr. Musk had misled investors with a tweet about taking the company private. Wanna take things up a notch, Elon? Try calling the SEC by these names: Stifling Executive Conversations, Stop Eating Cars or Scab Eating Cockroaches. Don’t worry, the SEC has a good sense of humour. Your investors, not so much: That SEC tweet punctuated a four-day decline for Tesla shares.

TSLA-Q - Nasdaq

Canadian Pacific Railway (Star)

Have you ever been stuck at a railway crossing, waiting in your pickup as boxcars, tank cars, flatcars and then more boxcars go rolling by, all clickety-clack-down-the-track as your groceries get warmer and your three-year old is screaming “I have to go pee-pee”? Well, get ready for more boxcars. Hauling commodities is so hot right now that CP is going to make its trains even longer, boosting efficiency and driving profit growth at the railway by 20 per cent this year. Tip: Get a cooler for your groceries, leave your three-year old at home and invest in CP. That way, counting rolling stock while you wait will be fun.

CP-T - TSX

Cameco Corp. (Star)

Uranium producers have been having a tough time attracting investor interest ever since nuclear-radiation-empowered Godzilla got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and went vegan. Then the fearsome CRA appeared! The Canada Revenue Agency hasn’t cared for the way Cameco has been booking sales through a European subsidiary, and has been charging the company back taxes for some time. Buildings were trampled. Ships were smashed. But just as investors were cowering with no hope, a hero arose last week. The mighty Tax Court of Canada gave Cameco the all-clear for three tax years. Investors, relieved, came out of hiding. Roll credits.

CCO-T - TSX

Magna International Inc. (Dog)

Well thank goodness for the United States-Mexico-Canada Agreement (USMCA), the long-sought revamp of the North American free-trade agreement that looked close to being scuttled last month. Canadian auto-parts manufacturers, in particular, are breathing deep sighs of relief knowing that their trade networks will be preserved with the tentative deal. But look at this: Magna International’s share price has fallen since the USMCA was announced this week. How could this be? One theory: Investors are concerned that rising borrowing costs will hit car sales. Another theory: The Very Stable Genius has struck again with another artful deal.

MG-T - TSX

iShares Core U.S. Aggregate Bond ETF (Dog)

I don’t know about this Jerome Powell. The U.S. Federal Reserve chairman is really talking up the U.S. economy. “Extraordinary,” he says. “Remarkably positive,” he adds. “Particularly bright,” he declares. He even said that the current economic cycle could continue “effectively indefinitely.” It’s depressing me! I bought government bonds thinking the world was about to spin off its axis with political rancour, that locusts would take over the planet and we’d all be needing tins of beans to survive – paid for with bond income, of course. Now it’s all sunshine and lollipops, driving interest rates up and bond prices down. Shoulda just bought beans.

AGG-N - AMEX

Report an editorial error

Report a technical issue

Editorial code of conduct

Tickers mentioned in this story

Study and track financial data on any traded entity: click to open the full quote page. Data updated as of 24/05/24 4:00pm EDT.

SymbolName% changeLast
TSLA-Q
Tesla Inc
+3.17%179.24
CP-T
Canadian Pacific Kansas City Ltd
+0.17%109.15
CCO-T
Cameco Corp
+1.94%72.38
MG-T
Magna International Inc
+0.75%61.97

Follow related authors and topics

Authors and topics you follow will be added to your personal news feed in Following.

Interact with The Globe