They are finally more than just fictionally Mr. and Mrs. Smith. It took almost a decade after meeting on that set, but Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were married in a secret civil ceremony in France on Saturday.
Brad and Angelina have done very well (romantically and professionally) for themselves, but the newlyweds might still appreciate some heartfelt advice about how to maintain marital bliss.
1) Do not get into an elevator with your spouse’s sibling.
This behaviour has been proven to put even powerhouses like rapper Jay Z at risk of bodily harm, not to mention all the negative publicity it will spark about the health of your marriage. Beyoncé and Jay Z’s endearing displays of affection at the MTV Video Music Awards did silence the divorce gossip for a moment, but now Matthew Knowles, Beyoncé’s father and former manager, is stirring up things by saying that everything has been a “Jedi mind trick” to improve ticket sales for the couple’s On The Run summer tour. Matrimonial conflict is sad; fake matrimonial conflict is annoying.
2) Before converting to Scientology, think about whether or not it’s Risky Business.
Tom Cruise has said that the religion is at least partly responsible for why ex-wife Katie Holmes had filed for divorce after almost seven years of marriage. And Cruise and Pitt aren’t as different as you might think: Pitt allegedly studied Scientology decades ago and even went through a mysterious “Purification Rundown program,” but ultimately decided it wasn’t for him. However, it may not be completely impossible to make it work under Xenu: The other Smiths (a.k.a. Will and Jada Pinkett) still seem to be going strong despite rumours, which they deny, that they are members of the church.
3) Do not give all future children names that start with either A or B and then start a reality show called Just palling around with the Jolie-Pitts.
Similar choices by Kris and Bruce Jenner haven’t led to divorce, but so-called life as reality stars on Keeping Up With The Kardashians has, undoubtedly, put a strain on the relationship, sending Bruce to get Adam’s apple surgery and Kris into the arms of former Bachelor and winemaker Ben Flajnik. (Bonus advice: Don’t book a family vacation to Thailand and then “accidentally” let it slip that you only invited the kids as decoys, so that you wouldn’t have to spend any time with your ziplining enthusiast partner.)
4) Beware of bodyguards.
Kiss From a Rose singer Seal was not happy that his supermodel ex-wife Heidi Klum decided to “fornicate with the help” before the couple eventually separated. Klum did start a relationship with her children’s bodyguard, but says that she “never looked at another man” while she was with Seal. The couple officially divorced in January, 2012, after seven years of marriage, which involved remarrying every anniversary. Angelina may also not want to make a habit of hosting extravagant Halloween parties at which she and Brad wear creative couples costumes, like Eve paired with the snake and the apple. (And no, Heidi wasn’t dressed as Eve.)
5) If conscious uncoupling is actually another word for divorce, then it’s best to avoid it.
If they ever do experience an uncoupling sensation, unconsciously or otherwise, they should avoid announcing its occurance on a website that peddles important items like monogrammed napkins. Actress-turned-cookbook-author-turned-lifestyle-guru Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay vocalist Chris Martin shared their decision to separate on her site Goop this March after a decade of commitment. Although the (un)couple has yet to divorce, Paltrow, an expert in everything, is apparently dishing out advice to Beyoncé about ending her marriage (see No. 1).
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