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Rhinoceros party platform: Move capital to Kapuskasing, nationalize Tim Hortons

Rhinoceros Party Leader Sebastien CoRhino Corriveau, right, and candidate Ben 97 Benoit talk with reporters Monday, August 17, 2015 in Montreal. The satirical political party promised to nationalize the popular Tim Hortons coffee shops if elected in the next federal election.

Paul Chiasson/The Canadian Press

They are the clowns of federal election campaigns, they are proud of it, and they're back with a 1,000-year plan.

The Rhinoceros party has been on and off the election trail since 1963 and it's ready to run again.

This time, it's promising, among other things, to move Canada's capital from Ottawa to Kapuskasing, Ont. — because it's in the middle of the country.

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If the satirical Rhinos win a majority, they also have a big pilot project in their 2015-3015 election platform: the privatization of the Canadian army and the nationalization of Tim Hortons.

Party leader Sebastien CoRhino Corriveau was hoping to make the announcement Monday at a news conference in a Timmy's in east-end Montreal, but he was thrown out.

He had to settle on meeting reporters on the street in front of a military base across the street.

"You know that Tim Hortons is a symbol of Canadian pride and we're all very happy to be Canadians," Corriveau said.

"The best way to improve and defend Canadian values and the Canadian dream is to nationalize the Tim Hortons.

"We'll look at the results after five years, after 10 years, after 50 years and with the results of these studies we'll be able to determine if other economic sectors should also be nationalized and be privatized."

Corriveau also boasted that the Rhinos are promising a mind-blowing experience at the ballot box on Oct. 19 for those who choose his party.

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"The moment when you vote Rhino, you will automatically have an orgasm," he promised.

"We're also promising a monthly orgasm — so that's why you have to vote for the Rhinoceros party — for happiness."

Corriveau, who will run in a riding in eastern Quebec, said the Rhinos' campaign so far has been going well.

"We still have some ridings left, but I would say now that we have between 75 and 80 candidates (nationally) that we know are going to run," he said.

The Rhinos are even offering outgoing MP Eve Adams, who lost a Liberal nomination after jumping from the Tories, a riding of her choice in any Toronto-area riding.

"I'm there to bring back the Rhinos to a majority government," he said.

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Corriveau longs for a repeat of the 1980s when he said the Rhinos had 100 candidates coast to coast.

One of them was Guy Pantouffe Laliberte, founder of the Cirque du Soleil, who ran for the Rhinos in 1980 and came fifth with three per cent of the vote (or 945 votes).

But Montreal-area candidate Ben 97 Benoit, who is running in his fourth federal election as a Rhino, admitted he won't be happy if he wins.

"I don't want to move to Ottawa because it's too far from my riding and it would be a big shock because I would have to change my job," he said.

But that didn't stop Benoit from touting the party's promise to move the nation's capital to Kapuskasing in Ontario.

"We find that it's better-placed strategically in the centre of Canada," he added. "It's in the middle of Canada - it's the centre of the Earth."

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Jean-Patrick Berthiaume, the party's official agent, added that the Rhinos plan to do a cross-Canada tour from Halifax to Vancouver in the first two weeks of October.

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