Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail
Attention, Creative Class, left-leaning CEOs and Liberal Rosedale housewives. You may have rigged the gun registry vote in Ottawa, but you're about to lose a municipal election. And now the bad news: It's dinner party season. Expressing bourgeois disdain for Rob Ford may have worked on the dock in Muskoka with a glass of pinot in hand, but autumn entertaining means multi-course dinners and grandiose intellectual meta-reflection. Herewith, five theories to explain the enigma rolled in lard and deep-fried in contempt that is your soon-to-be mayor, Rob Ford.
The "El Niño" Theory
Who it will impress: Leslieville lefties.
Why they'll love it: Because global warming is so cool, it's hot.
Names to drop: David Suzuki, Al Gore.
What to serve: Globally warmed organic chicken from Rowe Farms in a carbon-neutral sauce.
What to say: "Not only did the rogue ocean current cause above average summer temperatures, I believe it caused brain swelling in Toronto residents - mainly in the inner suburbs, where asphalt driveways function as heat sinks - resulting in impaired decision making. Rob Ford is popular for the same reason this summer's peaches were wonderful - [pause for effect]the heat!"
The "Swinging of Political Pendulum" Theory
Who it will impress: Childless couples who live in waterfront condos.
Why they'll love it: Because meta-historical trends are like conspiracy theories: exhilarating.
Names to drop: William Lyon Mackenzie (Toronto's first mayor, a penny pinching Scot), Robert Baldwin Sullivan (his successor, a free spending Irishman who blew the budget on a King Street sewer).
What to serve: A light and fruity white fallowed by a deep and powerful red followed by a light and fruity white followed by a deep and powerful red, etc.
What to say: "Oh please. This city alternates between left and right mayors with all the predictability of property-tax hike. Before there was Miller (left), there was Lastman (right), Hall (left), Rowlands (right) and so on. Ford is simply the next cog on the tedious wheel....Cocaine anyone?"
The "From the Rob Ford Chaos the Chosen One Shall Rise" Theory
Who it will impress: Yonge and Eglinton parents with annual household incomes over $400K.
Why they'll love it: Because even WASPs believe in the messiah.
Names to drop: Hegel, Nostradamus, Harold Adams Innis.
What to serve: Devilled eggs followed by angel-food cake.
What to say: "Just as there could be no Winston Churchill without Neville Chamberlain and no Barack Obama without George W. Bush, yea Toronto will not embrace its own saviour - Adam Vaughan - without first embracing this false prophet of darkness."
The "Toronto's Gone So Left, It's Right" Theory
Who it will impress: York profs.
Why they'll love it: Because they can tell their students they thought of it themselves.
Names to drop: Saddam Hussein, Joseph Stalin, Stephen Harper (in ascending order of evil).
What to serve: Lean Cuisine chicken florentine and Hochtaler.
What to say: "Actually, it's Miller's fault. He veered so far left that Toronto unwittingly crossed the line from revolutionary to reactionary."
The "Alternative Universe" Theory
Who it will impress: Weekend visitors from the Perimeter Institute.
Why they'll love it: Because the Large Hadron Collider has already proven the theory true.
Names to drop: Stephen Hawking, Bizarro Superman.
What to serve: One of those fake ice wines from China that's so bad, it's not even funny.
What to say: "String Theory holds that there are infinite possible universes that are distorted mirror reflections of our own world. I put it to you that the people of Toronto somehow swapped places with Torontonians from a hidden 'M' dimension. In the real Toronto, John Tory holds a 3-point lead over George Smitherman and Rob Ford is in Rexdale yelling at a 13-year-old wide receiver who just fumbled a touchdown pass."
Special to The Globe and Mail