Actor-comedian Sean Cullen is currently appearing in A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum at the Cannon Theatre in Toronto.
Do you like hamburgers?
I do like burgers. I don't eat them that much. They are like a perfect storm of badness.
And goodness, too?
Oh, for sure! I'm not a fan of compiling things - I think a burger is good when it's well-cooked, well-served and simply dressed.
Could that be said of you?
Well, I'm well-seasoned …
It's been said that everyone likes burgers. Is that true?
I think so. Even vegetarians have vegetarian burgers. It's the perfect food. You can carry it around in your hand and eat it. They are portable and easy to prepare.
When did you last have a burger?
Two days ago at Lick's Homeburgers [in Toronto] I think they were the thin edge of the wedge. They are very good for designer burger.
How much should a burger cost?
A burger should be about 10 bucks, with fries and a drink.
How much is too much?
If you go above $15, you're looking at too much.
How much have you paid for a burger?
The most I paid for a burger was $25 in a Kobe place in Las Vegas. It was incredibly good.
Brie, truffles, foie gras, vintage vinegar - how much is too much on a burger?
Well, how can you discern the goodness of that? You'd have to have an exquisite palate. And if you put all those things on, they just destroy each other.
A burger is a simple food, an everyman food. When you start dressing it up and making it exclusive, it kind of defeats the purpose of a burger. It becomes ridiculous.
The thing I don't like about a burger with too much on it is it's all over you, in your lap. I like neatness.
Are gourmet burgers necessary? Is it not gilding the lily?
It's because foodies don't want to feel guilty eating lunch-pail food. So they decided to gussy it up. But now everything is "gourmet." Gourmet chocolate-chip cookies. Gourmet soup. Everything is gourmet, and how can everything be gourmet? It's ridiculous!
It's almost as if the price decides what is "gourmet." Is more expensive necessarily better?
For big bucks, someone would have to hold it for me and caress me while I ate it. If I want a burger, I want it fast and I want it good. That's the point of a burger.
What about a trend going the other way from gourmet? Would you buy a roadkill burger for a buck?
How about if it were marketed as a "gourmet free-range wildlife burger" for $18?
I don't think I'd buy that unless the raccoons were raised in a special ranch and run over with a sterilized car.
What do you like on a burger?
I like onions, ketchup, one slice of pickle (bread and butter pickle, even better), mustard. Blue cheese would be nice.
What shouldn't top a burger?
In Australia, they put a fried egg on top and a slice of beet root. I'm not into that. Apples. Any fruit.
Can you sing McDonald's Big Mac jingle?
[Sings]"Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, onions, pickles on a sesame seed bun!" The other one is Harvey's: "Harvey's makes a hamburger … a beautiful thing!"