Outtakes from a ‘kinder, gentler’ Pierre Poilievre’s efforts to flip the script

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The Conservative Party is set to launch a major advertising blitz aimed in part at introducing a more personable side of Pierre Poilievre to Canadian voters… a kinder, gentler image of a man known in Ottawa circles as a sharp-elbowed partisan.

— Global News

CLIP ONE: EXT. FIELD – DAY

(A verdant meadow, covered in dandelions and Queen Anne’s lace. Larks sing, insects hum. PIERRE strolls into view, smiling, a sweater tied around his shoulders. He is picking a daisy.)

PIERRE

Oh hi, it’s me. Pierre. No, just… Pierre. What was it Shakespeare said? “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” Well, it’s summer now – time for the ordinary summer pleasures in which we ordinary Canadians take such delight. I’ve just come from the puppy shelter where I volunteer two nights a week –

DIRECTOR

Cut! Pierre, I know you want to make a good impression, but can we please just stick to the script? Where the hell does it say anything about puppies? Now let’s take it from “summer pleasures.”

PIERRE

… summer pleasures in which we ordinary Canadians take such delight. It’s a time to put aside the politics, and just be thankful that we live in this big, beautiful country that Justin Trudeau has broken –

DIRECTOR

Script! Stick to the script! This is supposed to be uplifting, remember?

PIERRE

… this big, beautiful country. You know, there’s nothing I like better than a walk through nature, just breathing in the fresh air and touching the trees. It’s how I clear my head – how I “keep it real.” I bet Justin Trudeau hasn’t walked through nature in eight years. I bet he has people to do it for him. That’s –

DIRECTOR

CUT!

CLIP TWO: INT. THE POILIEVRE HOME – NIGHT

(PIERRE is lounging on the sofa, reading a book, his feet up on an ottoman. A fire is burning in the fireplace. His children burst into the room and hop onto the sofa next to him. Next, his wife ANAIDA enters with a tray of hot chocolate.)

PIERRE

Whoa! Hey there kids! And look, it’s Anaida, the love of my life! (They kiss, and hold it. At length they release.) On nights like this, there’s nothing better than gathering by the fire with our whole nuclear family. Our intact, nuclear family. Our intact, nuclear family with both mom and dad, together, living in the same household. Our –

DIRECTOR

Okay, Pierre, I think they get it. Can we move on?

CLIP THREE: EXT. CHILDREN’S PLAYGROUND – DAY

(We see kids on the swings and sliding down the slide, to a track by the Swingle Singers. PIERRE watches while his son CRUZ and daughter VALENTINA ride on the roundabout. VALENTINA speaks off-camera. A cute lisp will be added in postproduction.)

VALENTINA (V.O.)

My dad. He’s my hero. Although I am only 4, I can already tell that he is a great man. I like the way he plays horsie with us when he gets home from the office. I like how he wrinkles his nose when he smiles. But mostly I like his five-point plan to make housing affordable again for middle-class Canadians. If I –

DIRECTOR

Wait, what? Who gave her those lines to read? I mean come on, there are laws about these things…

CLIP FOUR: INT. RESTAURANT – DAY

(The Conservative leadership team is at a Kelseys, sharing a pizza. Everyone is in shirt-sleeves and casual clothes. PIERRE turns to the camera, jovially, slice in hand.)

PIERRE

Hey, Canada! Want a bite? Pull up a chair! Well, you caught us, me and the gang at Conservative HQ, hoisting a few brewskies after work. Just like you do!

DIRECTOR

Good, good. Now lean in closer to the camera.

PIERRE

That’s one thing about us Canadians, wherever we may live and whoever we may vote for: We all like to kick back and relax after a hard day.

DIRECTOR

Excellent. Come on now, really sell it.

PIERRE

We’ve had enough of the politics of division in this country. In a dangerous world, we can’t afford it. Especially when there is so much more that unites us than divides us.

DIRECTOR

Yes, yes…

PIERRE

Instead of fighting with each other, isn’t it time we joined hands, stood shoulder to shoulder and worked together to defeat our common enemy?

DIRECTOR

Yes!

PIERRE

I speak, of course, of the World Economic Forum …

DIRECTOR

CUT!