Ever since the spectacular 1840 wedding of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert became the talk of the Western world, getting married and spending big have been hitched. The notion of the "perfect" wedding became so entwined with the idea of "perfect love" that, for many brides, one ipso facto meant the other. If the idea dwindled for a time during the cultural revolution of the 1960s and '70s, it flamed up hotter than ever with the wedding that joined Prince Charles to the perfect princess, Lady Diana. Today, say the authors of Cinderella Dreams: The Allure of the Lavish Wedding, "the lavish wedding allows participants to experience unabashed magic in their lives, and to spend freely to achieve that magic, without a guilt hangover the next morning."
In Report on Business magazine's June issue, Trevor Cole follows Sandra Mauro and her boyfriend of six years, David Hamilton, as they plan their $51,300 wedding. Mauro is just one of 150,000 Canadian brides who will walk down the aisle this year-most of them in June, July and August-and happily spend an average of $25,883 on their wedding day. The estimated worth of the wedding industry is a staggering $3.8 billion and there are many players-wedding planners, florists, photographers, dress designers-vying for a piece of the pie.
Trevor Cole together with Today's Bride editor Bettie Bradley will be online Friday at 1 p.m. to answer your questions about the industry, the costs associated with a wedding and whether the chaos and expense are really worth it.
Trevor Cole was recently called "one of the best young novelists in this country" by the Globe and Mail. He has written two novels- Norman Bray in the Performance of His Life (2004), and The Fearsome Particles(2006)-both of which were short-listed for the Governor-General's Award for Literature. Norman Bray was also longlisted for the IMPAC Dublin Literary Award and short-listed for the regional Commonwealth Writer's Prize for Best First Book, and each of his novels has been adapted for radio and optioned for film. In addition to being a novelist, Cole is also a veteran magazine journalist and editor. He won numerous national awards as a senior writer with Report on Business magazine and later as the author of a notorious satirical column for Canadian Business. While continuing to work as a magazine journalist and fiction author, he also contributes to Canada's literary community through AuthorsAloud.com, his growing website of author readings. He is currently at work on his third novel.
For eight years, Bettie Bradley was the host of the daily television show, The New You. Currently a motivational speaker and editor-in-chief of Today's Bride magazine, Ms. Bradley is frequently consulted as a Canadian authority on wedding etiquette, but says she is looking forward to her say as a grandmother.
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Cathryn Motherwell, deputy editor, Report on Business: Welcome Trevor and Bettie. The piece in Friday's Report on Business Magazine is very timely. At least one colleague in the office is planning her wedding, which has prompted some of us to reflect on the choices we made when we took the plunge - from backyard gatherings to drunken uncles, gifts for attendants and wedding dresses discovered in unlikely boutiques. And as Trevor's article outlines, you can go inexpensive, and you can very easily go for high-priced options. Our readers have lots of questions, so we'll turn the forum over.
Sheryl Davies from Windsor Canada writes: A wedding is a union and commitment between two people. While the party is a wonderful event, I wonder if the bride would have loved the notion of marriage withouta the huge costs and time involved planning the dream day! Does the party drive the wedding day? Is more better?
And, how long will the average couple stay married?
The commitment is far greater than the festivities!
Bettie Bradley: Of course it is! And the sad fact is that almost half of these marriages will end in divorce. But love is connected to hope and belief and there's no doubt that all of these couples are confident that their commitment is for forever. Not all couples choose the over-the-top event, however. Many are choosing destination weddings and combining the service with the honeymoon. And many others marry quietly without fuss and feathers. But there's no denying that the big wedding is more popular today than ever before.
Trevor Cole: A lot of brides, maybe most, equate the notion of the "perfect wedding" with the idea of "perfect love," and think they can't have one without the other. It's really not their fault - a couple of hundred years of cultural conditioning are to blame. So brides pour themselves, and their money, into planning and preparations, flowers and all the rest, trying to ensure perfection on the day, as if it ensures happiness everlasting. It doesn't turn out that way, of course, but in the moment, it's easy for them to push the reality out of their minds. And the thousands of little businesses in the wedding industry are there to help them do just that.
Bonnie Lass writes: I got married 2 years ago and had what I would say is my dream wedding. I paid cash for everything (saved up for a year and a half in advance), and our parents did not help us out at all. Total cost? $5000. Including everything. Dress, food, cake, flowers, gifts, favours, invitations, photography, honeymoon....everything. We had a chirch wedding with a cocktail style reception in the bar/restaurant at the provincial art gallery, and we had the best photographer around. So here's my question. Maybe I'm naiive, but how does one spend $25,000 on a wedding? What do you spend that much money on? How is this the average?
Bettie Bradley: You would be surprised how easy it is. Here are a few of the costs that add up: Meals per guest range from $50 to $125 per person. The bar charges from the caterer are about $70 a bottle for liquor and wine is charged at about $20 a bottle. Add flowers for church and reception, cake, limousine, gifts to your attendants (average is $50 to $100 per attendant), photographer averages $1200 to $5000 and videographer $1200 to $3000. Then dress, invitations and a honeymoon. The average size wedding in Canada is 175 people. If you remember your multiplication tables, you'll see how quickly you get to $25,000.
Trevor Cole: I was as surprised as you are, Bonnie. As I mentioned in the piece, my wife and I were married in a barn, and she wore a $150 dress. We'll remember it always. How do these other couples end up spending so much money? The fact is, most people want something they know will be good, they don't want to take a risk on something out of the norm. So they go where everyone else goes, buy what most other brides buy, and that costs money.
Generally half of it goes to the venue for starters, so of that average $25,000, a good $12,000 to $13,000 buys the food and drinks and reception rental for (on average) about 150 people. Photography is a big cost - there's the photographer's charge for the hours he spends shooting, plus all the prints and albums that always cost extra - and no bride wants to have her wedding and not have a photographic record of the event. Decor - flowers and draping and coloured linens on the table - can cost thousands. And there are always costs that people don't expect, such as the extra cost of those spot lights on each table at the venue, and the "supervising" fees that many decor companies will charge.
M David from Ottawa Canada writes: My thoughts on weddings (as a guy, I should say...) are pretty simple - I would like a very simple wedding, in a little stone or wood church in the country (on the top of a hill in the woods would be ideal) - no tuxes or matching dresses (people can wear colours that match or something). Potluck lunch or picnic after. First question, am I crazy, or should I stay out of the wedding planning department? And two, for those who want an ultra simple (nice, but without spending big bucks), do you have any other dream scenarios? What are the most romantic, least expensive ideas you've heard?
Bettie Bradley: You shouldn't be talking to me. This is a conversation you MUST have with your fiancée. A less expensive wedding starts with having an intimate wedding - just the few people who mean the most to you. You might combine the wedding with a holiday. Or don't have a wedding that involves dinner and dancing: it can be a late morning brunch. Or a cocktail reception late in the afternoon. I think a picnic in a park would be terrific -but don't ask the guests to provide the food and drink. You will be getting lovely gifts from them so they shouldn't also be expected to underwrite your wedding costs.
Good luck with that conversation with your bride! Hope she's on the same page as you!
Trevor Cole: My first thought is, I hope you find an understanding woman who shares your wish for simplicity. And then I hope she can withstand all the pressure she'll be under from friends and relatives who will be shocked at what she hasn't booked and horrified at what she hasn't bought and will try to talk her into something more traditional, and expensive. Once she gives into that pressure, your dream of simple and inexpensive is dead and buried.
But listen, I happen to think that memories are made in the moment, not in the glitzy venue. Romance is in what you do, not what you book or buy. So the ceremony can be as inexpensive and as memorable as your imagination allows, and you'll be so nervous and the event itself is so huge that if you get married on your front lawn it will be a memory you'll treasure.
The trouble is in feeding those people you've invited to share in the memories. Catering's not free, and Mom's going to be too busy and too excited to cook...
Kecia Dusseault from Victoria, BC, Canada writes: Hello Mr Cole and Ms. Bradley
I feel that the less money my fiance and I spend on our wedding the better. I'm fine with an inexpensive 'city-hall-and-a-nice-luncheon' wedding, but he wants something more elaborate, something which, in my opinion, is beyond our budget. I refuse to go into debt for this; after all, my life-long commitment is to him, not to making regular monthly payments. How do we compromise? Besides the rings, marriage license and officiant's fee, what other outlay/expenses would you consider to be absolutely necessary? Believe me, I'm more romantic than I sound!!
Bettie Bradley: Kecia, There's a new book by Dr. Guy Grenier: The title is "The 10 conversations you must have before you get married" and you might want to trek off to the library and check it out. One of those conversations is agreement on handling money. This current problem is just the beginning if you and your fiancé have a wide disparity in viewing saving, spending, investing, who pays for what, who makes the decisions. This must be settled, at least in broad strokes, before you marry.
You might start by upgrading slightly. Have a minister/priest/rabbi perform the ceremony in front of famiily and/or a few close friends and write your own vows to each other. City Hall is a pretty cold experience. Then host a small lunch with a little wine for the toasts that, trust me, you will long remember. Surrounded by a few good friends, the day can be relatively inexpensive but may satisfy your fiancé by its warmth.
Trevor Cole: Kecia, I've no doubt you're romantic - you're getting married after all - and I commend you for your restraint. There's a lot of baggage tied to this event however, and people who have grown up with a specific idea of what a wedding is "supposed" to look like are very hard to dissuade.
In other words, "necessary" is in the mind of the bride and groom. My wife, for example, didn't think it necessary to wear an expensive dress or buy a $500 wedding cake (it was an October wedding, so we served pumpkin pie instead). I do think the expense you can't avoid is feeding and entertaining the people you invite to share the day. That means a venue cost of some sort is inevitable. You can probably expect to spend roughly $75 per person for the reception. (It can be lower, but it can also be much higher.). Unless you hold the event in the backyard and everyone brings pot luck, there's no way around it.
Cathryn Motherwell: What role do traditions play in paying for the costs of a wedding these days? Is it still the convention (or the assumption) that the bride's family will pay?
And what are the most creative financing arrangements you've ever seen?
Trevor Cole: My Today's Bride counterpart will have lots of data on this subject. In the course of doing this story I found that more and more couples are paying for their weddings, and that it's no longer assumed that the bride's family will pay. Though it's still true that there are parents who will spring for their daughter's dress, or who will contribute some thousands of dollars in cash as a wedding present to help the couple handle the costs. Many couples will save for months in advance of their wedding, if not longer, and give up contributing to their RRSPs in order to pay for their day.
Certain cultures, of course, make giving cash gifts part of the tradition. In these cultures, an invited family will take it as a given that their gift should cover the cost of their meal. A couple can wind up with $10,000 in cash or more, which can go a long way to offsetting the costs.
Bettie Bradley: The parents of the bride are no longer the primary hosts. Today, more than half of all weddings in Canada are paid for by the bridal couple. This means that they are the host, pay the bills and do it all their way. One reason is the older age of couples getting married. It's no longer the 20-year-old still living at home. It's the 30-year-olds with their own apartment or, increasingly, their own house. (A surprisingly high percentage of couples buy a home before the wedding.)
Sometimes the parents still host the wedding (both parents) and they share the cost.
Often it is split three ways, between the parents and the bridal couple.
That changes many old customs. If the parents of the groom are sharing costs with the parents of the bride, they are no longer necessarily responsible for hosting the rehearsal dinner. In fact, this increasingly is hosted by the bridal couple as a thank you to their parents and the bridal party.
Sometimes the parents of the bride pick up the catering bill and the parents of the groom pick up the bar bill and the couple pay for everything else, from clothes to cake to DJ or band, to flowers and gifts for attendants.
Whoever is paying for any item has the final say on how much can be spent on that item. Fair is fair!
Bonnie Lass writes: It blows me away that one could spend that kind of money on a wedding. As I mentioned, mine cost $5000...everything included. I had a nice dress that I saved on because I bought it during a no sales tax sale, the venue was free as long as I bought the food from there, food was $18 per person taxes and gratuities included and I had 100 guests. Cake was a couple of hundred bucks at the Superstore and so were flowers. We had a cash bar (which saved a ton, and no one cared...people often have cash bars at weddings around here), and we hired a photographer/videographer...one of the biggest sigle costs. We also had a nice road trip to another province where we stayed in hotels, shopped, gambled, ate lobster and steak every night. Can't wrap my head around why you need a $10,000 dress instead of a $500 dress (or cheaper for that matter). Why do you need to serve a full sit-down dinner? I had a cocktail-style reception and it was so inexpensive (but elegant). Get creative folks. Think outside the box and don't try to simply outdo and outspend everyone else.
Trevor Cole: I think that - creativity - is part of the issue. Most couples want to go with the tried and true, partly because they're afraid of trying something that might not work (this is their wedding day and they don't want to mess it up), and partly because they're afraid of what other people will think if they scrimp a little here and there. Cultural and peer pressure plays a huge role in driving the costs of weddings up.
Bettie Bradley: Can't agree that a cash bar is "Okay. That's what people do around here." It really is insulting to expect to receive gifts from friends and then ask them to pony up part of the cost of being entertained. This is the one event in a couple's entire life when they should be entertaining their guests with some degree of elegance and hospitality. Ever after, they can entertain with BYOB parties at home!
Cathryn Motherwell: In Europe, weddings tend to be a much more modest affair -- brides often wear pants and just go to city hall. In terms of lavish weddings around the world, how does Canada rank? Which countries have the most extravagant weddings?
Trevor Cole: Canada seems to be very much influenced by the United States, which is mad for weddings. You won't find more extravagant weddings anywhere, although the weddings of wealthy families in India are remarkable for their colour and pagentry. We don't spend quite as much, and we don't marry quite as often as the United States, but we're not far behind.
As for Europe, I'm told that the trend toward lavish weddings is just beginning in England. Until recently, traditions we take for granted, such as bridal showers, have been unknown in that country. But now they are starting to follow suit, with events they call "Hen nights", and the spending on weddings is beginning to rise.
Bettie Bradley: That's a good question and I don't have the answer! I do know that ethnicity has a great deal to do with the choice to have a lavish wedding. Italians in Canada love big weddings and often have 400 to 500 guests. Many from the Far East have huge weddings - up to 1000 guests - and these last several days. Weddings are more modest in size in the British Isles.
Everyone comes from a different place when they decide on the wedding they want to have - and that's as it should be. No outsider should dictate what a couple should do (as long as they can afford to pull it off!)
Cathryn Motherwell: One voice that hasn't been raised so far is that in support of the industry. Some would say, it's a capitalist society, what's wrong with making money while you're also making people happy?
Trevor Cole: That's a good point. Generally in my research I found that people in the wedding industry take their jobs seriously, and vendors want to make the bride's vision come true. They want to deliver, and if they do, they're rewarded. Supply and demand dictates that those who are good at their job will be able to charge more, because what they offer a bride is the assurance that her day will be eventful in all the right ways, not the wrong ones. If you're a wealthy bride, there's no reason not to pay for that assurance, and there's no reason a vendor shouldn't charge for their premium service.
But I did find at times a bit of a "gold rush" mentality among some of the vendors - the sense that, "There's a lot of money out there. How do I get a piece?"
Bettie Bradley: Of course weddings are a business for caterers, bakeries, halls and hotels, florists, dress designers, photographers, videographers, limousine rentals, planners and more. They earn an honest living, have to deal with highly stressed and often unreasonable people and hang on to their sanity by their fingertips. People in the wedding business need to have patience - more than any other type of retail business - and I tip my hat to them!
Cathryn Motherwell: Thank you both for your time today in taking questions about the wedding industry, and the prevailing theme, which seems to be that many people want to find a way to make the day special for them, but within a realistic budget too.
Can you please close by telling us the most memorable moments from your own nuptials? I'm betting that they didn't involve much money!
Thanks again.
Trevor Cole: Thinking of the reception, I'll always remember the wonderful speech my mother made, and the song my father sang. I'll remember the music my new wife's brother and band members played and the sight of my wife's six-year-old daughter dancing in her borrowed princess dress. And, since it was October 30, I'll remember carving our names into a pumpkin.
But speaking as a groom, there's nothing quite like that moment when your bride joins you in front of the officiant, and the realization that "there's no turning back now" takes hold. It happened in the loft of the barn we'd rented, with candles all around. That's a moment that, when I think of it, always makes me catch my breath.
Bettie Bradley: I was married 50 years ago in Niagara Falls with just immediate family present. I wore an off-white suede suit with mink collar and a mink hat. The funniest moment was when my often irritable husband complained about booking into the most expensive suite in the hotel for our celebratory dinner, and having to look at The Falls through dirty windows. He insisted they be cleaned. I have a shot of the reception table and, beyond, a man busy cleaning the outside windows on the 20th floor! Did the marriage last? Yep. For awhile -15 years!