Canada forward Marie-Philip Poulin celebrates with her gold medal after defeating the United States in women's hockey gold medal game action at the 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing on Feb. 17.Ryan Remiorz/The Canadian Press
To get to the Beijing Olympics in February required roughly a million COVID tests and enough paperwork to emigrate. We flew through Tokyo, which closed the terminal to celebrate our transit.
You deplaned at your final destination into a scene from Close Encounters – an army of security in hazmat suits herding you through an empty, unheated terminal toward what looked like cattle pens.
This was the final and for-real-this-time-no-joking COVID test. Before the lady who did mine stuck the swab up my nostril with her right hand, she took hold of my jacket lapel with her left. Before I could wonder too deeply about that, she was in there rearranging my hippocampus with such sadistic vigour that I began to pass out and slide off the stool. That left hand kept me upright.
When it was done, she bent at the knees, dropped her backside to the ground and hauled me upright using her own bodyweight. Then she gave me a reassuring shove toward what I assumed was oblivion.
The thought that went through my mind as I staggered off was, “Maybe this isn’t such a great year to be a sports writer.”
But I was wrong. It was another fantastic year to follow the most ridiculous portion of our collective cultural life. As the tail end of the pandemic shifted into a groovy, holistic sense of impending doom, athletes everywhere reminding us about what really matters. It’s saying and doing outrageous things, knowing with a great moral certitude that they cut you a cheque no matter what people think of you. Take that, science writers.
Every time someone in sports says something about how hard it is to be rich or they’ve heard of flying premium economy, they’ve just never tried it, I feel grateful to them. There should be awards for this sort of thing. Here are a few:
Olympian of the year
Lots of competitors become international darlings during an Olympics. How many people can say they summed up everything people hate about the Games? Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva failed a drug test in Beijing in February in the middle of her competition based on a sample taken back in December. You’d think the two months before an Olympics would be busy season at the lab. But I guess there was a special on Puerto Vallarta in January. Valieva was out. Then she was in. Then she was falling apart on international TV and finishing off the podium. Good work, IOC. Great effort.
Pitchman of the year
To be in Beijing last winter was a bit like being in the enormous bedroom of a teenager who really, really loves Eileen Gu. The American-born Chinese freestyle skier’s face was plastered on every billboard, every hoarding, every passing bus. As you went from one part of the COVID bubble to the next, it felt a bit like you were being surveilled personally by Eileen Gu. What was she selling? No clue.
Canadian of the year
Every year we must reach national consensus on who best represents our collective values. This year, it was Marie-Philip Poulin – and her third Olympic hockey gold. This isn’t so much a function of success, as it is the ability to stick it to America. Kick it when it’s down. First, inflation and then – whammo – another steamrolling in the finals. We don’t have Hollywood, Silicon Valley or the Grand Canyon, but at least we’ve got MPP.
Actor Ryan Reynolds waves during a break in the play as the Ottawa Senators take on the Vancouver Canucks in Ottawa, on Nov. 8. Reynolds is rumoured to be interested in buying the Senators franchise.Justin Tang/The Canadian Press
Team owner of the year
In fairness, he doesn’t actually own a sports team on this continent, but Lord is he trying. B.C.-born actor Ryan Reynolds will not stop telling people how he’d like to own a hockey team. Or part of a hockey team. Or a time share of a hockey team. Send him to my place. If he brings cash, I’ll start a hockey team. It won’t be any good, but I’ll make him minority owner and executive vice-president of food and beverage. That’s where the real money is.
Trend of the year
Remember when you watched sports and it was mostly sports? Yeah, I hated that, too. I much prefer the 24/7 gambling-ad channels that TSN and Sportsnet have turned into. Why see Connor McDavid do a thing, when you could watch the other guy from Breaking Bad explain to you why you should be betting on that thing instead? It’s really streamlined the viewing experience.
Influencer of the year
If Novak Djokovic had just gone to Australia instead of doing an IG post about the fact that he was headed to Australia, things might have gone differently. While he was in the air, Australians worked themselves in a proper froth over the fact that their mom hadn’t been allowed home in two years, but Captain Chemistry over here was given a two-week epidemiological hall pass. The lesson – never post. About anything.
Raptor of the year
For a while there, there was a slight chance that Kevin Durant would complain his way out of Brooklyn, then a good chance he would do so. Then there was an infinitesimal chance he would come to Toronto, then a serious chance, a great chance, something close to certainty, followed by a receding chance and then no chance. Problematically, not getting a guy who was never leaving in the first place is still the most exciting thing that’s happened to the Raptors this year.
Cultural ambassador of the year
Whenever you’re feeling down, go back and watch video of new Montreal Canadiens captain and committed unilinguist Nick Suzuki attempting to speak French. It’s proof that if you try hard enough, you can accomplish anything you set our mind to. Provided you didn’t pick up a French-English dictionary an hour before the camera crew showed up at your house.
Litigants of the year
When soccer wives Rebekah Vardy and Colleen Rooney went to court because someone said something about someone else’s basement being flooded when it really wasn’t, that may be it – the nadir of western civilization. Then the trial happened and it got better. Who among us hasn’t lost a phone full of incriminating evidence after dropping it accidentally into the North Sea? And when told in open court that that phone was now vanished to Davy Jones’s locker, who among us has not replied, as Vardy did, “Who is Davy Jones?”
Dad of the year
In announcing that he was leaving the PGA to join the Saudi-backed LIV golf tour, multi-multi-multi-millionaire Dustin Johnson explained that he was only sort of doing it for himself. He was mostly doing it for future generations: “This is something that I thought was best for me and my family.” If they don’t get into Harvard, I guess the Johnson kids can now just buy Harvard.
Alphonso Davies celebrates scoring Canada's first goal during the Qatar 2022 World Cup Group on Nov. 27.OZAN KOSE/AFP/Getty Images
Spectral presence of the year
Most of the fun things that happened in Canadian soccer this year were down to Alphonso Davies. When it came time for the World Cup, you expected to see him everywhere off the field. Instead, he was nearly nowhere. A few softball questions on the sideline and that was it. But when reporters – the wretches – complained about it, people were confused. We just saw him a minute ago on that BMO ad. And the minute before that. And the minute before that. And the … wait a minute. Was he actually at the World Cup?
Unfortunate timing of the year
For one month in 2022, Félix Auger-Aliassime was the best tennis player alive and it wasn’t really close. If he’d done it in September, the Montrealer would be astride the sporting world right now. His Rolex deal would have its own Omega deal. Instead, Auger-Aliassime did it in October, a month which is to tennis what August is to Paris. Everyone leaves. My advice – set your watch ahead by 30 days. This is great for all sorts of things, like getting through security at Pearson in time to catch a flight.
Hair flip of the year
The Toronto Blue Jays had one of those good seasons that feels like a bad season. In a tidy little conversation changer, Vlad Guerrero Jr. decided to announce, apropos of nothing, that he hates the New York Yankees and would never, ever, ever consider playing for them. If you’re going to flirt with other people, man, just don’t do it right in front of us. We can hear you, and it hurts our feelings.
Serena Williams waves to the crowd as she leaves the court at Sobeys Stadium in Toronto after losing to Belinda Bencic during the National Bank Open on Aug. 10.Vaughn Ridley/Getty Images
Power move of the year
Do I believe that Serena Williams skipped the centenary Centre Court celebration of all past Wimbledon winners because she’d lost the use of five complementary Land Rovers when she was eliminated from the tournament? No. Probably not. But I’d really like to.
Fraud of the year
Knives Out was okay at a time when everyone was fine with okay. It was comfort TV. Its sequel, Glass Onion is a televisual anvil dropped from a great height. Corn is less corny than this thing. What does this have to do with sports? Nothing. But people need to know.
Cathal Kelly