'Have a good time, Liana, and remember; if you and Elijah have sex tonight ..."
"I know, Mom, make sure he wears a condom."
"That's my girl."
It is hard to picture this conversation playing out between many parents and their daughters. Usually, advice to teenaged daughters about sex, if delivered at all, can be easily summarized as "don't."
It's true that attitudes about girls and sexuality have changed. There is now more open discussion, which is good. But much has changed very little.
We consider interest in sex by a teenaged boy to be healthy. We want him to be careful, but we're not particularly troubled by the idea he may be sexually active. But teen girls' sexual activity makes us nervous.
There is no question that most parents worry more about their daughters regarding sexuality. And the attitudes from their peers are imbalanced, as well. Girls can get a "bad" reputation for their sexual conduct - definitely less so with guys.
Meanwhile, today's teens are flooded with talk and imagery of sex - in the media, over the Internet.
We hear of rampant early sexual activity - even if statistics do not necessarily bear this out.
Which is all the more reason that we want at least some of what they hear about sex to come from us.
What follows is some advice that parents may do well to give to their teenaged daughters.
It is not about whether they should have sex. It's about entering, with eyes wide open, that stage of life where sexual activity becomes a real possibility. It is about allowing teenaged girls to be more thoughtful, hence more in control of their own sex life.
Teach them what to expect so that sexual activity is more a cognitive choice they make rather than something that happens to them.
This sex talk goes beyond "don't."
Sex does not seal a relationship. Don't assume that having sex with a boy makes a relationship any more than it was, other than that the guy now thinks he can have sex with you again.
Guys often do mean what they say at the time, but don't assume he feels that way later - even a little later. Sexuality, and the intimacy that comes with it, can powerfully influence how people feel. But once the physical intimacy ends, so can many of the feelings.
Don't assume it will be private. Especially in the age of Facebook, Twitter and text-messaging, what you did last night - or just this afternoon - can rapidly become public knowledge.
Sexuality can create a flood of feelings that make it harder for you to stay in control than in other situations.
Drinking - by you, him or both of you - makes the probability of sex considerably greater, and the meaning of what goes on considerably less.
If you are in a situation where sex may happen - alone with no adults around - it is more likely that it will happen.
If he's always jealous and controlling, drop him like a hot potato.
If he in any way is physically hurtful - hitting, hard grabbing - drop him like a hot potato, then tell friends and adults. Do not keep that a secret.
During the discussion with your daughter:
Tell them to please ask questions, any questions. The more they know about the real world of sexual activity, the more decisions are going to be based on prior knowledge than on reactions of the moment.
Make sure they know about contraception - if not from you, from their pediatrician. A misconception that parents often have, to their later regret, is that teaching them about contraception condones sexual activity. It does not, but it does protect against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
Last, if you are at all unsure whether your daughter knows about the biology of sex - for both girls and guys - tell her. And if you are uncomfortable doing so, get her a book that will.
If your daughter is gay - which you may or may not be aware of - some of this may be less relevant. But it also may be useful and does no harm.
Who should give the talk - moms or dads? It's probably more comfortable for both parents and child if the talk is from the parent of the same gender. But the topics are not so sensitive that dads can't discuss them.
Again, the point is for a girl's sexual life to be guided by active, thoughtful decisions, not impulse and lack of awareness.
"Mom, Steven says he won't go out with me any more because now I know too much. He says he prefers those dumb girls."
"Excellent."
"But I like Steven. Can't I go back to being stupid?"
Clinical psychologist Anthony E. Wolf is the author of six parenting books, including Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager.
E-mail your questions
to Dr. Anthony E. Wolf at awolf@globeandmail.com