The Question
I'm in a large running group I enjoy. We all socialize frequently, going to movies, art shows, and having dinners out and at each other's places. There's one guy in the group I really like. I told him so about a year ago, but he said "we're not in the same place." For a while I kept my distance and backed out of social events to give him some space. But after a while I resumed socializing, and it's sometimes just the two of us: He suggested shopping for gear, I've had him over a few times for dinner, and he's had me to his place for a barbecue. He's in his 40s, never married, smart and super nice. When I see him, he smiles at me, I catch him staring at me all the time and he tries to make me laugh. Everyone in the group assumes we're dating. Recently, I asked him if he was free for dinner and he said: "I'm not interested in you and … I'm uncomfortable." Then he didn't show up for running and when someone asked why, he texted to say he's highly stressed about someone in the group asking him out – me, obviously. I want to tell him I'll back away from the group if he wants me to. I'm also pretty sure I need to apologize – but what is the best form the apology should take?
The Answer
I do think you two need to have a conversation.
On the one hand, he's being a big baby, spitting out his soother and staying home in a diaperful snit, texting how "stressed" he is – hurting your feelings, besmirching your reputation – all because you asked him out to dinner?
Guy like that sees me, he better run, because my temptation would be to slap him and say: "Get over yourself, pal. Be flattered, keep calm and jog on."
But clearly, in his mind at least, you're turning the running group into a stalkercize class, to the point where he feels uncomfortable and wants to stay home – and you should address that.
I could say he sent you "mixed signals," but we only have your testimony about the staring and the smiling. Could some of it be in your head? The rest could be interpreted as just wanting to be friends. Certainly, if I'm interested in a woman, I'm not asking her to go "gear shopping."
(Or maybe I am – but anyway that's me. The girls all treated Teenage Dave Eddie like a big, cuddly teddy bear, giggling and breathing in my ear, and generally working me into a white-hot state. It'll take a lifetime to wear off.) This guy has told you twice now he's not interested in you, romantically – that he (as the kids say) wants to hang out, not hook up. And no means no.
But I don't think you need to apologize – at least not too profusely. And I don't think you need to back away from the group. I do think you should take a hint, at this point, and back off for a bit.
Talk to him about it (if he's not too squirrely). Come up to him while he's stretching – no, wait, scratch that. Run up behind him in the group – okay that might not work either. Maybe just an e-mail or a text to say, in effect: "It looks like I completely misread our interactions and I'm sorry for that. Let's just be friends. I would hate to lose our friendship over a minor misunderstanding. It's important to me."
He would have to have a heart of stone not to melt and get over it at that point. Especially since he clearly likes you, and you get along. And let's hope, at this point, he will mutter something to the effect of "Sorry if I overreacted and hurt your feelings." Because he does owe you that, IMHO.
And who knows? Maybe when the smoke's cleared and you've backed off a bit, he'll do a couple of stretches, lace up his best sneakers, and come running after you.
But I wouldn't hold your breath. He's a never-married guy in his 40s: a.k.a. "confirmed bachelor." Those of us who are married live under the cloud that one day our wives get sick of all our crap and hand us our Bachelor Papers. Meanwhile, this guy's Bachelor Papers are stamped, sealed, notarized, and up-to-date.
And past a certain point, in my experience, guys like that tend to like to keep it that way.
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