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She seemed hot for me, then not. What do I do? Add to ...

The question

I was recently at a birthday party at a nightclub. I showed up late and was immediately hit on by a friend of a friend, who I’ve never met before, who was drunk. She was very aggressive to say the least, and afterward we all met up at a friend’s house for an after-party. I was careful in how I acted with this woman as she was intoxicated, but I made it apparent that I was interested in her. (She was pretty sober near the end of the night and still showed interest in me.) The next day I texted her to say I was glad we had met and gave her a few compliments, as she is very sexy and quite a character. I’ve been talking to her lately but it seems like she is not interested in me that way any more. I’m trying to think of ways to approach her without coming off like an idiot if she really has no interest in me, and if that night at the birthday party was just fun for her. What to do next, is my question.

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The answer

Big question!

What you’re really asking is the eternal, immortal query, posed by bards, poets, troubadours, lotharios and other assorted horny men since the dawn of the species: “Dave, how do I capture the interest and perhaps ultimately the heart of a woman who may or may not be interested in me?”

You’ve come to the right place. In my day, I was a kind of Wu Tang, Shaolin Master-Bachelor, consistently “punching above my weight” since around the age of 17, pulling all the top babes and ending with my masterpiece, my wife Pam, a woman so far out of my league, people will come up to her, with me standing right there, and say “Pam – no offence, Dave – could you tell us: When you first starting seeing Dave, just … what did you see in him, exactly?”

Leaving me wanting to say: a) “Uh, hello? I’m standing right here,” and b) “Saying ‘no offense’ before a rude statement does not in fact change anything.”

Now, I don’t like to give away all of my master-class bachelor secrets (I’m afraid they could be converted into Weapon of Mass Seduction and all over the world poor shlubs like me would make off with all the top babes, leaving society teetering on the brink of collapse), but I think I can offer a few pointers. Some of them may seem contradictory to one another, but hey, it’s an art, not a science, and you know the saying: “The opposite of a great truth is another great truth.”

1. Show her your interest. Can’t stress this one enough, especially to the current generation of bachelors, who seem hopelessly namby pamby, ambivalent and wishy washy, used to “hanging out” and “hooking up” and all the rest of it. Are you a man? Then go strong to the hoop! When people ask Pam what she saw in me, she smiles quietly to herself and says: “Well, there were many things, but I’ll tell you this. I was never in doubt that he was interested.” Even if this sexy, character-filled girl is involved with someone else (my odds-on pick for the explanation of her hot-and-cold behaviour toward you), the seed will have been planted, and months or it may be years hence, when she’s single again she will think to herself: “Boy, that [insert your name here] sure seemed hot for me. Wonder if he’s on Facebook?”

2. Be excellent in her presence. The titular Steve in the movie The Tao of Steve, who was always spouting off on how to seduce women (to women! Never, ever do this), got a lot of things wrong, in my view, but he got this right. Find a way for her to become aware that you are excellent at something. If you’re not excellent at anything – well, you better get cracking, bub, start becoming excellent at something today, otherwise you are doomed not only romantically but also in every other way.

3. Be cool. Another thing “Steve” got right. Be as Steve McQueen-like as you can. I love how in the book The Kid Stays in the Picture, legendary film producer Robert Evans doesn’t even blame his wife Ali McGraw when she has an affair with Steve McQueen; he blames himself, saying something to the effect of: “I left her on a set with the coolest guy on the planet. What was I thinking?” Part of being cool is not needing sex. This may seem contradictory to No. 1. But it’s an important distinction: You want her, but you don’t need her. And you can’t just be faking. It has to be genuine.

4. Be open, be yourself, and be engaged. This may seem contradictory to No. 3. I’m saying: Be a cool version of yourself, but be yourself. What you’re looking for here, I hope, is not only an intertwining of body parts, but a meeting of minds, and dare I say it, souls as well.

I could go on for pages and pages. But I’m out of space so have to stop there. If there’s one thing to leave you with, it’s this:Get out there and go after this woman like your whole future happiness depends on it, because you never know, it might.

What am I supposed to do now?

Are you in a sticky situation? Send your dilemmas to damage@globeandmail.com. Please keep your submissions to 150 words and include a daytime contact number so we can follow up with any queries.

 

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