When the bride says I do - to cash

Men pin money on her clothes so they can have a dance with her.

Sometimes, she will tuck it into a special purse she wears for the occasion.

And no - there's no G-string involved.

She's a bride, after all.

For many generations, cultural differences were one of the most significant factors (class was another) that governed the appropriateness of money as a personal gift or offering.

The "money dance," a feature of wedding ceremonies in several Eastern European countries, makes the giving integral to the festivities. The bride becomes covered in a visible expression of fluttery well wishes. At New Year's and special occasions in Chinese and some other East Asian cultures, the colour of the "red envelope," which contains monetary gifts, means good luck. Rather than appearing to be about cash, the intention of the gift is for something that is presumably priceless.

The Jewish tradition of giving money at a child's bar or bat mitzvah comes with helpful guidelines: Donate in multiples of $18, the numeric equivalent of chai , the Hebrew word for "life," Gail Anthony Greenberg writes in her book, Mitzvah Chic .

In many Western societies, however, "money has not been considered appropriate because it meant that you were too lazy to get a gift," says Louise Fox, an etiquette consultant in Toronto.

That has changed, certainly in the context of wedding culture. Many young couples have lived together for several years before marriage. They have all the household items they need. So many prefer cash to gifts from a bridal registry. But there are still rules about how to give it and to whom. And just as important are manners about how to receive it.

"It's better to have the freedom to spend money as you wish," says a 30-year-old woman who married last year and received cash gifts from many guests. "People have mortgages now when they marry," she says, adding that she and her husband routinely give $200 as a wedding present to their friends.

But if the acquisition of fine dining items from a wedding registry was "all about class distinction" in generations past, Ms. Fox says - "about a couple knowing what they needed to get in order to have arrived" - today's couples may be overly concerned with crass accumulation.

"A wedding should not be about how much you're going to rake in. Do not put the request for money right on the wedding invitation," she implores in her clear, crystal-cut telephone voice. "You do not want to put an emphasis on what you want as gifts. That is terribly gauche."

Letitia Baldrige, a Washington-based author and expert on manners whose latest book is Taste: Acquiring What Money Can't Buy , argues that it is not the giving of money that is crass, but rather the manner in which it is given and how the wedding riches are displayed.

"Giving money used to be a family affair, kept secret," says the former social secretary to Jacqueline Kennedy in the White House. "But today, when brides lay out the gifts, they put the envelopes of money out for all to see. It's open season for giving money. There is so much money worship, and today it's all about showing off what you get. It's sad and regrettable."

There are also potential pitfalls to giving money. If you are in your 30s, would you give cash to an older couple who is marrying in their 50s? Would you give some to your father if he were remarrying? "On a rational economic level, money is a wonderful present," but it has deeply encoded implications, says Paul Webley, an economic psychologist who is director and principal of the school of Oriental and African studies at the University of London. "Giving money down the chain is okay. If I gave money to my nephew, that's okay. But going up the status chain, it is not. The most inappropriate thing is to give money to your mother."

As Ran Kivetz, a behavioural economist at Columbia University in New York, discovered in studies about how people view money as a gift, "it can be seen as insulting, an implication that the recipient needs the money."

The handing over of cash is also a complex and fraught social interplay. Former prime minister Brian Mulroney's acceptance of Karlheinz Schreiber's money appears more unseemly because it was cash stuffed into an envelope exchanged in a hotel room. It was an untraceable, nameless "gift" of some sort, and therefore suspect.

When my maternal grandmother gave me money as a birthday present, she always went to her bank to request a clean, crisp $20 bill and put it neatly in a card. Somehow, the gift seemed more personal, because she had gone out of her way to choose a nice card and tuck a pretty bill into it. As a result, I never wanted to "break" it.

Even in the context of tipping - an expected but (hopefully) unsolicited exchange of a cash gift - there are social codes. You do not hand it to a waiter. You leave it for him to find. And it would be indiscreet to peel off $20 bills to give to a valet who just brought your car up from the garage. You give him the "crinkly handshake."

If money is the wedding gift of choice, there are ways to give it with class, Ms. Baldrige says. "Find out first if they need money for something special," she instructs. "Maybe they are saving for a car or they need help on their apartment rent the first year."

Then, write a note and enclose a cheque. Not cash. "Say that you're giving it towards whatever they want. That makes it very personal, nice and family-like, not like handing dollar bills across the table."

The amount should be commensurate with how close your relationship is to the recipient, she adds.

Still, even to a friend you haven't seen in 10 years, a $5 or $10 cheque is probably not a good idea.

That could be taken as a silent comment on the level of your approval of the union - just like a 10-cent tip for a waitress is worse than leaving nothing at all.