Who is ruining the otherwise great world we live in? Cool people.
Fox News personality Greg Gutfeld makes that case in his sometimes serious, sometimes satirical new book, Not Cool: The Hipster Elite And Their War On You. Arguing that the real world is like "high school, only more cruel, more reckless, and certainly more expensive," Gutfeld sets out to show that cool people are not only out to "punish, mock, or thwart the uncool," but they have created a culture that despises hard work, is destroying traditional marriage, romanticizes evil and just generally sucks.
So, what's actually cool? In Gutfeld's opinion, it looks a lot like conservatism. Of course, I don't want to ruin anything for you. I mean, that wouldn't be cool, right?
But maybe I'll dig out some answers from his book to a few questions about elite hipsters and what they're doing to the world. Cool? Cool.
What does he mean by 'cool'?
"When I say 'cool,' I am referring to those people who, generally liberal, pretend that the predictable, acceptable choices they make are actually risks."
What do the cool hate?
"The cool hate nothing more than when a genuinely original thinker rejects them."
What's the point of cool?
"The point of cool is to erase your ability to say no."
Is religion cool?
"In the high school that is America, God is, like, such a nerd."
Is rock 'n' roll rebellion cool?
"In the world of pop stardom, what is mistaken for rebellion? A mediocre artist who spouts political beliefs that most freshmen in high school could have come up with after huffing Glade."
Should cool people have a greater appreciation for war?
"Without war – or the threat of it – the coolest among us would be hitched like Clydesdales to wagons pulling Vladimir Putin and the Ayatollah."
How has cool destroyed taking pride in work?
"Pop culture, through music, television, and magazines, defines the 'go-getter' as a clueless clone working for the man."
Is environmentalism cool?
"There's nothing cooler than putting the planet before people."
Is there any link between what's cool and single mothers?
"How does cool play into the rise of the single moms? It's the cause."
Are manners cool?
"There's nothing cool about 'please' or 'thank you.' If anything, manners are now employed only by the scarred, depraved villains in movies, as an ironic precursor to violent flourishes that pass as edgy comedy."
What's the bedrock of 'cool politics'?
"The bedrock of cool politics is simple: Help everyone into the warm, fuzzy arms of government."
Why is advocacy cool?
"The cool think, 'If I embrace marching against war and capitalism, then I will be embraced by the famous people who also march against war and capitalism. Maybe I'll meet John Krasinski!'"
If faced with a choice between doing the 'right thing' and doing the cool thing, which should I pick?
"Instead of helping your parents through tough times, it's cooler to adopt a tiger through the World Wildlife Fund."
Are conservatives the ones who are actually cool?
"The truth is that conservatives do have the cool message. It's 'Step off.'"
And just how cool is the conservative belief system, which includes 'military supremacy,' 'individualism' and 'competition'?
"It's as cool as Pegasus making out with a unicorn [i.e., very cool]."