Conan the Barbarian: Hungry for gore? This remake's for you

Jason Momoa stars as Conan in "Conan the Barbarian."

Back in the days of the original Conan, circa 1982, Arnie Schwarzenegger was still a muscle man posing as an actor and the barbarians, although definitely gathered at the Hollywood gates, had yet to break inside. Now, of course, they run the joint and we all know what career the Governator settled into. So, in today's cultural climate, any remake of Conan the Barbarian can only be considered (a) redundant or (b) a cruel case of rubbing salt in our cinematic wounds. Either way, it ain't a pretty sight – in fact, it's downright barbaric.

A quick comparison of the two versions may prove my point. Arnie, a shrewd guy, at least injected Conan with intermittent doses of campy humour; director John Milius, a macho fellow, juiced the action accordingly; and co-writer Oliver Stone, the loquacious one, contributed to dialogue like this baroque howler: "Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of the women."

And 28 years of progress later? Well, a Latinate mouthful like "lamentation" has long been struck from the Tinseltown dictionary – no scribe would dare have it uttered now. While the words have shrunk, technology has inflated both the action and the camera that records it. In the modern blockbuster, then, the spectacle may be lavish but the arithmetic is dead simple: 1-syllable dialogue + 2-much action + 3D = big weekend grosses. Even Conan could do that math.

Typically, then, this remake is shot in 3D. Typically too, the extra dimension is gratuitous at best and annoying the rest of the time. The strong temptation is to chuck the damn glasses and just go blurry. If so, here's what you'll miss.

The emergence of the "battle born" Conan. Literally. Seems his warrior mom, very pregnant yet as bellicose as ever, suffered a mortal wound in combat, prompting Daddy (Ron Perlman) to extract his blade and perform a quick C-section right there on the field. More blood flows, but out pops you-know-who. Cut to his teen years, when the young pup is already lopping off enemy heads and depositing the trophies at the feet of his master who, as any Poppa would, looks awfully proud. But Daddy is himself destined to a bad fate, at the evil hands of someone with the rather clunky handle of Khalar Zym. Happily, he's also known as The Shadow Lord or, for those with less taste for metaphor, simply as the Angel of Death.

In the original, the villain was played by James Earl Jones, whose black countenance, when pitted against Teutonic Arnie, gave the whole thing an unfortunately racist reverb. Not this time. I'm heartened to report that, thanks to Stephen Lang's mug, Death's Angel is pasty of face, and thus a politically correct adversary. But their climactic set-to is down the dirt road a bit. At this stage, the adult Conan (Jason Momoa) is merely wandering "the edges of the world" and wreaking his usual havoc, occasionally in the service of freeing bare-breasted slave women. Why bare-breasted? Because Momoa's Conan is similarly topless, and the audience is generously invited to compare chests and vote their preference. Ballots may be cast on Twitter, hash tag #PecsVsBoobs.

Anyway, the action/slaughter continues apace, directed by Marcus Nispel with scant kinetic flair but a keen eye for graphic gore. (Admittedly, he warmed up for this do-over by previously doing over Friday the 13th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – the guy has put in his practice time.) As for the love interest, there's a vestal virgin (Rachel Nichols) whose "pure blood" is required by Mr. Zym for some dastardly scheme or other. Once she hooks up with Conan, you are free to guess how long the vestal remains a virgin. I will say the gal is impressively quick to establish her feminist credentials. "I take orders from no man," she snaps at our star barbarian, flashing her sword even as his wilts.

Equally aggressive is the Evil One's daughter (Rose McGowan) who, sporting a push-up leather bra and nails of sharpened steel, may be evil too, or is perhaps just rehearsing a more lucrative career as a Lady Gaga impersonator. Well, by now, the climax is fast approaching and, what with more limbs to hack and gizzards to burst, Conan has his meaty hands full. But before he gets there, his lady love pauses the mayhem just long enough to sweetly inquire: "Do you ever wonder if there's a purpose or are we just doomed to chaos and ruin?" That's a very good question and, with unintended eloquence, the second coming of Conan the Barbarian offers itself as the answer – more than just a movie, it's Exhibit A.

Conan the Barbarian