Wonka
Directed by Paul King
Written by Paul King and Simon Farnaby, based on characters created by Roald Dahl
Starring Timothée Chalamet, Keegan-Michael Key and Olivia Colman
Classification PG; 116 minutes
Opens in theatres Dec. 15
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do
I have a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dee
If Hollywood’s wise, it will listen to me
*
What do you get when you reboot a franchise?
Casting a young star who just cannot surprise?
Where are the songs that are funny and groovy?
The only good tune here is from the first movie
Talk about Pure Imagination …
*
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do
Oh, I have more critiques for you
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-yay
There are better kids movies this holiday
*
Chalamet seems to be a Gene Wilder fan
But he can’t live up to the original candyman
He’s flat, and he’s grating, and he can’t sing a tune
The heartthrob is best off on the sands of Dune
*
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da
The visuals here also don’t go very far
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do
I’m afraid director Paul King is failing you
*
Even those who love King’s Paddington movies
Will walk away from Wonka with conspiracy theories
Was King bribed, was he blackmailed, should we worry about him?
Or is this just a story whose plot is too thin?
*
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-wee
Not even the chocolate here looks very tasty
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do
Actress Calah Lane also makes a strange debut
*
Playing an orphan who is clever and sharp
The character obviously has a big loving heart
But her relationship with Wonka is terribly strange
Are they friends, something more, it is never explained
I don’t like the look of it …
*
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dee
The supporting cast is also pretty crabby
Olivia Colman, Rowan Atkinson, Matt Lucas, no
You all have far better performances to show
*
At least Keegan-Michael Key seems to have fun
Depending on your tolerance for fat jokes weighing a ton
By the time his sweet-tooth cop gains about 300 pounds
Will audiences have even stuck around?
*
So who do you blame when your film is so low-grade?
Perhaps studio execs who think there’s easy money to be made
At least they spent a few dollars right
By hiring Hugh Grant to play a lil orange sprite
That’d be the original Oompa …
*
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da
It pains me to say but Wonka is blah
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dee
Now I’m off to eat some expired candy!
Barry Hertz