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film review


Directed by Paul King

Written by Paul King and Simon Farnaby, based on characters created by Roald Dahl

Starring Timothée Chalamet, Keegan-Michael Key and Olivia Colman

Classification PG; 116 minutes

Opens in theatres Dec. 15

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do

I have a perfect puzzle for you

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dee

If Hollywood’s wise, it will listen to me


What do you get when you reboot a franchise?

Casting a young star who just cannot surprise?

Where are the songs that are funny and groovy?

The only good tune here is from the first movie

Talk about Pure Imagination


Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do

Oh, I have more critiques for you

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-yay

There are better kids movies this holiday


Chalamet seems to be a Gene Wilder fan

But he can’t live up to the original candyman

He’s flat, and he’s grating, and he can’t sing a tune

The heartthrob is best off on the sands of Dune


Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da

The visuals here also don’t go very far

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do

I’m afraid director Paul King is failing you


Even those who love King’s Paddington movies

Will walk away from Wonka with conspiracy theories

Was King bribed, was he blackmailed, should we worry about him?

Or is this just a story whose plot is too thin?


Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-wee

Not even the chocolate here looks very tasty

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do

Actress Calah Lane also makes a strange debut


Playing an orphan who is clever and sharp

The character obviously has a big loving heart

But her relationship with Wonka is terribly strange

Are they friends, something more, it is never explained

I don’t like the look of it …


Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dee

The supporting cast is also pretty crabby

Olivia Colman, Rowan Atkinson, Matt Lucas, no

You all have far better performances to show


At least Keegan-Michael Key seems to have fun

Depending on your tolerance for fat jokes weighing a ton

By the time his sweet-tooth cop gains about 300 pounds

Will audiences have even stuck around?


So who do you blame when your film is so low-grade?

Perhaps studio execs who think there’s easy money to be made

At least they spent a few dollars right

By hiring Hugh Grant to play a lil orange sprite

That’d be the original Oompa …


Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da

It pains me to say but Wonka is blah

Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-dee

Now I’m off to eat some expired candy!

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